Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Forgive Yourself

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With Internal Family Systems, IFS, we look within to develop a deeper understanding of our parts.  These inner parts are aspects of ourselves which hold memories, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors.  

As we learn about these parts, we begin to understand why they hold the behavior patterns we judge as bad, or wrong.  Deepening our understanding, we begin to see that these patterns were originally created to cope with painful situations.  With practice, we’re able to see that even if a pattern is currently unhelpful, perhaps even harmful,  it was created by a part in order to protect us. 

Approaching a part with compassion and curiosity is the first step to help it let go of old pain, patterns, and beliefs.  This compassion, along with the desire to understand a part, is what contributes to self-forgiveness. Eventually, we can even open to appreciation for the ways in which our parts have tried to help us.  It’s this type of attention helps a part begin to shift.

When we’re able to appreciate a part we’ve previously disliked, it becomes easier to do this with our other parts.  Remember that each part serves a purpose, no matter how misguided it might seem.  A part will hold onto its purpose until it feels safe enough to let go of outdated behavior and beliefs. We cultivate this safety with our compassion, curiosity, and appreciation.

What happens when you don’t forgive yourself? Think about all of the ways you deny yourself pleasure. Or limit yourself.  Or overcompensate to make up for what you believe you’ve done wrong.  Certainly, it’s important to take responsibility for our behavior, and mistakes.  What happens so often, however, is that we use punishment to hold ourselves eternally guilty. 

Take a step towards self-forgiveness:

Bring to mind a part of you which you’ve a hard time accepting, or appreciating.  It doesn’t have to be a part you strongly dislike.  For the purposes of this exercise, choose something with low to moderate intensity.

Notice how you feel towards this part.

Ask yourself if you can stay open. Can you approach this part with neutrality, curiosity, or compassion?  Without making it wrong?

When you sense that you can remain neutral, curious, and/or compassionate, tune into the part. Notice what comes up.  Do you notice any visual or visceral representations of this part?

Ask some or all of following questions: How old are you?  Why are you here?  What are you trying to do for me?  What are you afraid will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing? Do you need help from me?

Listen for any insights that come up for you. Write down important points

Share your appreciation with this part. Thank it for helping you.

This technique will help you cultivate appreciation and forgiveness for what you’ve previously judged as wrong. A simpler technique is to check in with a challenging part (or feeling) as it comes up.  Allow yourself to notice it, without making it wrong, and if you can, send it some compassion.  Let it know that you see it.  Checking in is sometimes enough to help your parts feel settled. 

To explore intense feelings and parts, reach out to a trained professional for guidance.  You might be truly amazed at the beauty you find within yourself.

Wishing you inner peace,

Marian

To learn more about parts work, sign up for a complimentary Self-Discovery Call.

 

Resolving Polarization

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In Internal Family Systems (IFS), a part is considered to be  place within which holds certain beliefs or feelings.  A polarization, or inner conflict, can occur when two or more parts hold different beliefs and feelings.

Inner polarization just doesn’t feel good.  It’s like being in continual conflict with yourself. It often leaves us feeling stuck and unable to see possible solutions.

In IFS, polarization is seen as a time when two or more parts are at odds with each other. It might show up as a conflict which feels impossible to resolve.  For example, one part who wants to create necessary boundaries with a friend, and another part prefers to people please.  Or a part who wants to linger with the pain of a challenging event, and another who would much rather stay positive.

Sometimes, when we’re faced with inner polarization, we feel unable to take action.  If we do take action, it’s typically from the more dominant part of us.  When this happens, we’ll likely face some inner backlash.  In other words, we might feel triggered by disappointment or uncertainty, which in the end will leave us feeling more conflicted.

What’s important with polarizations, whether internal, or external, is that we listen to all sides of the story.  In IFS, this means we listen to our parts without making them right or wrong. It’s about inviting each part to be heard and seen – without judgement.

Typically, when we feel heard and seen, we’re more likely to soften towards a less extreme position.  It’s when we feel ignored, misunderstood, or dismissed, that we tend to intensify our positions. This holds true for our inner parts, as well as with the people in our lives.

The first step in resolving inner polarization is to listen, with open curiosity, to what each part (side) has to say.  The following exercise is designed to help you get to know more about the parts involved in a conflict.  Use pen and paper to jot down any insights that arise.

First, tune into your conflict.  Choose a conflict which keeps you stuck, or feels challenging to solve. You may want to close your eyes.  Notice how it feels to have this conflict.  Do you notice parts with opposing or differing positions in this conflict? There might also be a part who feels like the conflict is impossible to solve.  Jot down what you notice.

Next, ask yourself if you can stay neutral, and curious, just for this moment.  When you feel like you can temporarily let go of making one part right or wrong, choose one part to focus on first. 

Bring your focus to the first part.  You may want to close your eyes.  Listen with open curiosity.  Ask the following questions, and allow the answers to come.  Jot down the insights you receive.

  1. Ask this part what it really hopes to accomplish.
  2. Ask what it is afraid of happening if it doesn’t succeed.
  3. Ask if there is more that it wants you to know.  

Next, repeat the process.  Bring your focus to the second part, and then again to any additional parts related to the conflict.

When you have finished listening to all parts involved, tune into the conflict again.  Notice how you feel about it.  Notice any shifts in perception.  Are you aware of possible solutions?

This first step is crucial in order to make further progress.  Acceptance and appreciation for our parts is what helps create a sense of inner safety.  This safety is what eventually offers an opening for resolution. 

After doing this exercise you might notice that it’s easier to come to a resolution, because you’ll be more aware of what’s truly important for you. Even if there’s more work involved, you will be on your way.

Learning to resolve our own inner conflicts is what eases our approach to the conflicts in our communities and beyond. 

Wishing You Inner Peace,

Marian

If you’d like help connecting with your parts, sign up for a complimentary Self-Discovery Call.

Going Deeper with IFS

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I’m back.  I stepped away from the world for a while.  Not from my clients or family, but from as much as I could ignore.  There’s a part of me who finds true comfort in retreat.  But alas, summer is over, and it’s time to re-emerge.

On April 9, after a month of hospice, my mother Jo died.  She was a month shy of 101.  She was ready, and I thought I was too.  But still, it was a shock.  During the weeks before her death I put much of my life on hold so that I could be with her during her last days.  My oldest sister stayed as well, and my other sister and brother came regularly to help.  It was a profound time of loss, grief, anxiety, confusion, frustration, happy reunion, gratitude, awe, and continuing acceptance. 

She passed the day after the solar eclipse.  A few days after the earthquake that shook her NJ townhouse.   And the day after I began my training in Internal Family Systems (IFS). Those were impactful days, to say the least.

And though it was a challenge, I am grateful to have started my IFS training during this time.  Practicing IFS, along with EFT Tapping, helped me stay present and grounded.

So, what is IFS, and how does it work? 

Internal Family Systems is a method created by therapist Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.  According to IFS, each of us has multiple parts within us. By understanding and appreciating our parts we’re able to resolve inner conflict, and grow.

It’s during challenging times, when we’re thrown off course, that we often feel the most discomfort.  This discomfort invites us to deepen our self-exploration.  So, with the help of my fellow IFS students, and IFS practitioner, I explored my uncomfortable parts. For example, I visited with the part of me who hesitates to ask for help, even when she needs it.  I also visited with the part who urgently wants to get everything done, as well as the part who loves to procrastinate.

This is a just a snip-it of parts which emerged after my mother’s death, as I stepped into my role estate executor. They’re parts which hold memories, feelings, and outdated beliefs. They were activated by the profound changes in my life. With IFS I was able to go deeper to help unburden my parts.  This is what helped me cultivate more courage, confidence, and peace of mind.

In a nutshell, according to IFS, we all have the following parts: 

The Managers – These are protective parts who live in the future.  They aim to manage (and control) our lives to avoid triggering situations and difficult emotions. These are the parts who push and criticize us.  They urge us to strive for success, defend, people please, and avoid difficult feelings.  

The Firefighters – These are protective parts who live in the present.  They work to soothe and numb uncomfortable feelings. They usually rely on substances and habit-forming behaviors to get the job done. Firefighters often urge us to do what our managers will later shame us for.

The Exiles – The exiles are what our managers and firefighters attempt to protect.  They’re the parts we push away, hide, and neglect. Typically, exiles carry memories, outdated beliefs, and painful emotions.  Often we feel embarrassed, or scared, to show these parts to others, or even to ourselves.  Managers and firefighters work hard to keep exiles and their burdens hidden.

As Richard Schwartz describes in his book No Bad Parts, none of these parts are bad.  Both firefighters and managers try to protect us, even when their tactics prove unhelpful, or even harmful. The exiles typically carry the bulk of the pain.  So instead of scorn, what our parts really need is compassion, understanding, and a way to unburden their loads. Thankfully, this is possible with what IFS calls Self. 

Self –  Self can also be thought of as True Self, Higher Self, etc.  It’s the place within which allows us to witness our parts with curiosity and compassion. A practitioner trained in IFS is able to share her Self energy with clients, and guide them to access their own Self energy. 

It’s with Self energy that we help unburden our exiles and the parts who protect them.  When our parts feel safe, heard, seen, and understood, they can soften enough to let go of painful beliefs and patterns.  This unburdening allows our true gifts to unfold. It brings harmony to our parts and to our lives.

The IFS process invites us to relax and grow into the people we’re truly meant to be.  For this, I am incredibly grateful.  As an IFS-Informed EFT Practitioner, I now offer one-on-one sessions combining both IFS and EFT. For a complimentary call to learn more about how IFS can help you, contact me.

Here’s to the beautiful truth within us all.

Peace,

Marian