Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

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Sabotage is tricky.  It’s seductive.  It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out.  Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others.  It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness.  And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more.  The pull is sometimes too strong to resist.  Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again.  Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection.  It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more.  Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.  

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding.  In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences.  Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing. 

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences.  For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed  or teased by family members.  This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough.  A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing.  He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work,  or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable.  Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection.  For example, she might avoid  or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation.  All to protect against the pain of criticism. 

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children.  Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief.  When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors.  As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings.  It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing.  Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns.  The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place.  Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.  

Suggestions for going deeper:

  • Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
  • Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
  • Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
  • Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional.  EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage.  Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors.  You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness.  It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more.   No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within.  It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.   

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian

 

Finding Flow

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When we’re in flow, we’re in the zone, that beautiful place of creative expression. It’s typically accompanied with ease, grace, and a lost sense of time.  Flow is place where new ideas sprout and grow.  It’s where we feel energized and engaged in creative pursuit.  In short, flow feels great.

Who doesn’t want flow?

But where do we find flow?  And how do we move into it when we’re reeling from the world around us?

The past year has been triggering, disruptive, distracting, overwhelming, and for some of us, downright traumatizing.  It has left so many of us feeling completely and utterly exhausted. It’s been easy, even necessary, to revert to old coping habits that allow us to escape, tune out, and numb down our feelings.  

And, it’s exceedingly hard to flow when we’re experiencing any of the above.

So, if this is where you find yourself, know that you have my compassion and deep understanding.  And, along with my compassion, I bring you some tips to find your flow again. Tips I use all the time to get back into my own flow.

Stay with your feelings —   Feelings, when embraced, will begin to dissipate, and feel more manageable.  This will allow you to stay in the moment, and it’s in the moment where we find flow.

Get your energy moving — Don’t wait for motivation.  Move your body on a daily basis.  Yoga, walks, workouts, dance.  Movement will break up stagnant energy, helping you move into flow.

Take one step ––  Get started.  Jumpstart momentum by doing one small thing at a time.  We strangle our flow by focusing only on the massive work we have to get done.  Focus instead on one thing at a time and you will get it done.  This helps you stay present, in the moment, and will increase feelings of accomplishment, and flow.

Let go of stagnating habits — Easier said than done, right? Yes, definitely, but here’s a way to start.

First, get clear about the habits which keep you stagnated. Notice which feelings trigger the desire to indulge in a habit.  Stay with these feelings. When you do indulge in your habit, notice what happens to your sense of flow.  No judgement here — just mindfulness.  Remember — limiting habits start as coping strategies.  The key is to stay with the feelings that we’re trying to avoid.  Again, staying with your feelings will them process and become more manageable.  This in itself will facilitate flow.

Acknowledge your shadows – Shadows are those disowned places within us.  These shadows are often activated more acutely during times of stress.   Learning to recognize them as they arise helps us form a new relationship with ourselves.  Click here for my video on working with your shadows.

Use energy work —  The goal of energy work is to help stuck energy move into a healthy flow. Recurring habits, reactions, and emotions signal that energy flow has been disrupted.  Practices such as EFT Tapping, Matrix Reimprinting, Acupuncture, along with other energy modalities, are effective for clearing disruptions to flow. 

Wishing you abundant flow,

Marian

For more information on using EFT Tapping to help let go of stagnation, and move into flow, click here.

 

 

Shadow Love — A Call For Unity within Ourselves

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Unity, such a beautiful word.  During these times of deep division, many of us have been calling for it.  But, let’s face it, it can be hard to find common ground with those we call our enemies.  At a time when it might feel easy to dehumanize, condemn, or ‘cancel’ those whom we judge, why on Earth would we want unity?

It’s all very understandable — this ‘us and them’ mentality.  Yet, our lack of unity leaves us polarized.  And it’s difficult, if not impossible, to move forward when we’re feeling polarized.

Now I’m not suggesting that we befriend or agree with everyone.  Rather, what I am suggesting is that we seize this moment to befriend those parts of ourselves which we’ve condemned, hidden, neglected, and judged.  It’s when we make peace with ourselves that we find it easier to find peace with others.

We all live with some degree of inner polarization.  It shows up as that struggle to accept ourselves just as we are. That habit of hiding who we really are.  The masks we wear to please and impress. The lies we tell to save face. 

However, it’s when we reintegrate the shadowy places within us, that we find profound inner peace.

Sometimes we’re so afraid of our shadows, we’ll do everything possible to get away from them.  But, alas, we can’t outrun our shadows.  Avoidance won’t make them disappear.  In fact, they usually come back even stronger, popping into our lives when we least expect it. As long as we’re driven to avoid our shadows, they will continue to sabotage our lives. 

It’s when we turn to embrace our shadows, that they help us transform our lives.

During times of stress, it’s easy to fall back into our shadow patterns.  Those habits, behaviors, and moods, we’d rather not admit to.  So, what if,  instead of judging ourselves, we pause to notice what’s happening.  As painful as it might feel, our shadows are calling for healing.  When we move into acceptance, we can take a deeper dive to see what’s hiding beneath the surface.

So, how do we embrace what we don’t want to embrace?  How do we feel compassion for a part ourselves that we truly dislike?

A good start is to approach our shadows as we would a scared child.  When we approach ourselves with gentleness, compassion, and non-judgement, we can listen on a deeper level.  This simple act of compassion helps illuminate what’s truly needed to feel better, happier, and empowered to transform our lives.

It takes time, and commitment to work with our shadows.  But it’s worth it.  EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are particularly helpful tools in shadow work.  Contact me to learn more.

Peace,

Marian

Interested in shadow work?  Learn more about my new Shadow Love Programs.

Embrace The Metaphors Within You

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Metaphors have always been there, reaching out to guide me — even when didn’t notice, or when I tried to push them away.  And, now, when I open to their call, I begin to see them everywhere. In every challenge, every pain, every place of beauty. They’re here for us each day, in every moment.  

The poetry of life, waiting for us to embrace its eternal, loving guidance.

It was one day, many years ago, when I realized the power of what was inside me, begging to be seen.  It was a hot day in August, and as I listened to the cicadas sizzling in the trees, it dropped, right smack into my consciousness.  A neat little package of metaphors, it was the answer to the questions I had been asking for over 15 years.  Finally, I knew, without a doubt, why I had gotten sick, over and over again.

My heart, my body, my spirited inner child, were all in it together, creating the poetry that would guide me back to health.  Urging me to open my heart.  Showing me where I had shut down.  Painting the picture I needed to see to finally wake up from my pain.

It turned out, that each symptom, each autoimmune illness, each heart surgery, were all pieces of the same puzzle. When I saw them all together, they revealed the divine map I needed to heal from the trauma I had experienced many years earlier, when I lost my sister to suicide.

In my work with clients, metaphors appear everywhere. They show up as a restriction, or pain in the throat, for a client who’s afraid to speak her truth.  Or as a tight heaviness in the shoulders, for someone who feels as though she carries the world on her shoulders.  Sensitive digestion, is often a sign of deep sensitivity, and an inability to digest all the worries of the world.

Though these metaphors can sometimes seem obvious, it’s usually not that simple. 

Layers of meaning abound, and for each one of us, they are uniquely personal.  It’s where we go next after that first glimpse of the metaphor. What lies underneath?  What guidance do we need to follow? What pain is asking to be loved and released?

Both EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are the perfect tools to help my clients uncover hidden metaphors within their pain.  As we gently unwrap the layers, pain is released, and messages are discovered.  Wisdom emerges, leading to even deeper healing.

The way I see it, it all comes back to a call for love.  The metaphors within us, the metaphors all around us, are beckoning us to love ourselves more.  To forgive, to let go, and to open up to the love that’s all around us.  Simply, and profoundly, they are love poems, ready and waiting to be read.

Curious about the metaphors within you?  Contact me!

In Love and Courage,

Marian

How To Honor Your Sensitivity

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Being sensitive means many things.  As a sensitive, empathic person myself, I know how painful it can be to feel or see certain things more deeply than other people. Over the years I have learned how to manage my sensitivity so that it has transformed into a gift I truly embrace.  It’s this process that I  share with my clients and students.

If you’re a sensitive person, you might notice that when others’ don’t share your depth of experience, you wind up feeling misunderstood, or even excluded. You might have heightened sensitivities to noise, smell, foods, and environment. If so, these sensitivities can easily contribute to feelings of weakness, illness, and irritability.

In addition, by believing society’s negative critique of sensitivity, you might think that you’re wrong for being ‘so sensitive’.  Nothing could be further from the truth! 

What’s important for a sensitive person, is to take steps to honor your sensitivity so that it transforms from something painful into a true gift of beauty and strength.

Below are some key steps to turn your sensitivity into a gift that will enrich your life, over and over again.

Understand Your Sensitivity – Understand that if you are one of the estimated 20% of folks with heightened sensitivity, you have a nervous system that feels things more deeply than most. This means that you need to care for yourself differently than someone without your depth of sensitivity. Get to know yourself better. Read up on the different aspects of sensitivity – there are a number of good books on the topic. Understanding yourself will help you increase feelings of self-acceptance.  And, self-acceptance is key to honoring your sensitivity.

Get Clear About What Feels Right for You – We’re often brought up to believe that we ‘should’ enjoy certain experiences that others enjoy.  Getting clear on what feels right for you might mean you don’t go to that party, or you opt for one or two good friends over a group of friends.  Get clear about your ‘shoulds’ versus your true desires. Trust your intuition to help you find the right balance for you.

Honor Your Need for Downtime –  Sensitive people need downtime. And, it can be easy to implement.  Treat yourself to a peaceful nature walk, or sit quietly in a darkened room.  A quick nap can do wonders to calm an overwhelmed mind and nerves.  Throughout each day, allow for short periods of downtime.  Regular breaks of just 5 minutes each can make a profound difference.

Create Self-Care Rituals —   As a sensitive person, you likely lead a rich inner life. Honor it by nourishing it.  Meditation, music, art, yoga, salt baths, and mind-body therapies are all wonderful tools to help you nourish your creative, intuitive soul.

Get Enough Sleep – Because sensitive people take in more information, more deeply, they need more sleep than people who are not highly sensitive.  This means a daily minimum of 8 hours of sleep, preferably 9.  If you have trouble sleeping, be sure to create a soothing bedtime ritual. Eliminate stimulants, and forgo electronics at least 1-2 hours before bed.  Know that by just closing your eyes, you will help to calm and replenish your nervous system. 

Take steps to honor your sensitivity.  It’s a divine gift.  And it’s a gift our world needs now. 

In Courage,

Marian

To schedule a FREE 30 Minute Call, where I’ll help you get clear on your best strategy to honor your sensitivity, and give you a tool to turn it into a superpower,  click here.