In Internal Family Systems (IFS), a part is considered to be place within which holds certain beliefs or feelings. A polarization, or inner conflict, can occur when two or more parts hold different beliefs and feelings.
Inner polarization just doesn’t feel good. It’s like being in continual conflict with yourself. It often leaves us feeling stuck and unable to see possible solutions.
In IFS, polarization is seen as a time when two or more parts are at odds with each other. It might show up as a conflict which feels impossible to resolve. For example, one part who wants to create necessary boundaries with a friend, and another part who prefers to stay silent. Or a part who urges you to sign up for a training, and another who stresses all the reasons not to.
Sometimes, inner polarization is enough to prevent us from taking action. Or, if we do take action, it’s typically from the more dominant part of us. When this happens, we’ll likely face some inner backlash. In other words, we might feel triggered by disappointment or uncertainty, which in the end will leave us feeling more conflicted.
What’s important with polarizations, whether internal, or external, is that we listen to all sides of the story. In IFS, this means we listen to our parts without making them right or wrong. It’s about inviting each part to be heard and seen – without judgement.
Typically, when we feel heard and seen, we’re more likely to soften towards a less extreme position. It’s when we feel ignored, misunderstood, or dismissed, that we tend to intensify our positions. This holds true for our inner parts, as well as with the people in our lives.
The first step in resolving inner polarization is to listen, with open curiosity, to what each part (side) has to say. The following exercise is designed to help you get to know more about the parts involved in a conflict. Use pen and paper to jot down any insights that arise.
First, tune into your conflict. Choose a conflict which keeps you stuck, or unable to make a decision. You may want to close your eyes. Notice how it feels to have this conflict. Do you notice parts with opposing or differing positions in this conflict? Jot down what you notice.
Next, ask yourself if you can stay neutral, and curious, just for this moment. When you feel like you can temporarily let go of making one part right or wrong, choose one part (side) to focus on first.
Bring your focus to the first part. You may want to close your eyes. Listen with open curiosity. Ask the following questions, and allow the answers to come. Jot down the insights you receive.
- Ask this part what it really hopes to accomplish.
- Ask what it is afraid of happening if it doesn’t succeed.
- Ask if there is more that it wants you to know.
Next, repeat the process. Bring your focus to the second part, and then again to any additional parts related to the conflict.
When you have finished listening to all parts involved, tune into the conflict again. Notice how you feel about it. Notice any shifts in perception. Are you aware of possible solutions?
This first step is crucial in order to make further progress. Acceptance and appreciation for our parts is what helps create a sense of inner safety. This safety is what eventually offers an opening for resolution.
After doing this exercise you might notice that it’s easier to come to a resolution, because you’ll be more aware of what’s truly important for you. Even if there’s more work involved, you will be well on your way.
Learning to resolve our own inner conflicts is what eases our approach to the conflicts in our communities and beyond.
Wishing You Inner Peace,
Marian
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