I’m back. I stepped away from the world for a while. Not from my clients or family, but from as much as I could ignore. There’s a part of me who finds true comfort in retreat. But alas, summer is over, and it’s time to re-emerge.
On April 9, after a month of hospice, my mother Jo died. She was a month shy of 101. She was ready, and I thought I was too. But still, it was a shock. During the weeks before her death I put much of my life on hold so that I could be with her during her last days. My oldest sister stayed as well, and my other sister and brother came regularly to help. It was a profound time of loss, grief, anxiety, confusion, frustration, happy reunion, gratitude, awe, and continuing acceptance.
She passed the day after the solar eclipse. A few days after the earthquake that shook her NJ townhouse. And the day after I began my training in Internal Family Systems (IFS). Those were impactful days, to say the least.
And though it was a challenge, I am grateful to have started my IFS training during this time. Practicing IFS, along with EFT Tapping, helped me stay present and grounded.
So, what is IFS, and how does it work?
Internal Family Systems is a method created by therapist Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. According to IFS, each of us has multiple parts within us. By understanding and appreciating our parts we’re able to resolve inner conflict, and grow.
It’s during challenging times, when we’re thrown off course, that we often feel the most discomfort. This discomfort invites us to deepen our self-exploration. So, with the help of my fellow IFS students, and IFS practitioner, I explored my uncomfortable parts. For example, I visited with the part of me who hesitates to ask for help, even when she needs it. I also visited with the part who urgently wants to get everything done, as well as the part who loves to procrastinate.
This is a just a snip-it of parts which emerged after my mother’s death, as I stepped into my role estate executor. They’re parts which hold memories, feelings, and outdated beliefs. They were activated by the profound changes in my life. With IFS I was able to go deeper to help unburden my parts. This is what helped me cultivate more courage, confidence, and peace of mind.
In a nutshell, according to IFS, we all have the following parts:
The Managers – These are protective parts who live in the future. They aim to manage (and control) our lives to avoid triggering situations and difficult emotions. These are the parts who push and criticize us. They urge us to strive for success, defend, people please, and avoid difficult feelings.
The Firefighters – These are protective parts who live in the present. They work to soothe and numb uncomfortable feelings. They usually rely on substances and habit-forming behaviors to get the job done. Firefighters often urge us to do what our managers will later shame us for.
The Exiles – The exiles are what our managers and firefighters attempt to protect. They’re the parts we push away, hide, and neglect. Typically, exiles carry memories, outdated beliefs, and painful emotions. Often we feel embarrassed, or scared, to show these parts to others, or even to ourselves. Managers and firefighters work hard to keep exiles and their burdens hidden.
As Richard Schwartz describes in his book No Bad Parts, none of these parts are bad. Both firefighters and managers try to protect us, even when their tactics prove unhelpful, or even harmful. The exiles typically carry the bulk of the pain. So instead of scorn, what our parts really need is compassion, understanding, and a way to unburden their loads. Thankfully, this is possible with what IFS calls Self.
Self – Self can also be thought of as True Self, Higher Self, etc. It’s the place within which allows us to witness our parts with curiosity and compassion. A practitioner trained in IFS is able to share her Self energy with clients, and guide them to access their own Self energy.
It’s with Self energy that we help unburden our exiles and the parts who protect them. When our parts feel safe, heard, seen, and understood, they can soften enough to let go of painful beliefs and patterns. This unburdening allows our true gifts to unfold. It brings harmony to our parts and to our lives.
The IFS process invites us to relax and grow into the people we’re truly meant to be. For this, I am incredibly grateful. As an IFS-Informed EFT Practitioner, I now offer one-on-one sessions combining both IFS and EFT. For a complimentary call to learn more about how IFS can help you, contact me.
Here’s to the beautiful truth within us all.
Peace,
Marian
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