Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Forgive Yourself

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With Internal Family Systems, IFS, we look within to develop a deeper understanding of our parts.  These inner parts are aspects of ourselves which hold memories, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors.  

As we learn about these parts, we begin to understand why they hold the behavior patterns we judge as bad, or wrong.  Deepening our understanding, we begin to see that these patterns were originally created to cope with painful situations.  With practice, we’re able to see that even if a pattern is currently unhelpful, perhaps even harmful,  it was created by a part in order to protect us. 

Approaching a part with compassion and curiosity is the first step to help it let go of old pain, patterns, and beliefs.  This compassion, along with the desire to understand a part, is what contributes to self-forgiveness. Eventually, we can even open to appreciation for the ways in which our parts have tried to help us.  It’s this type of attention helps a part begin to shift.

When we’re able to appreciate a part we’ve previously disliked, it becomes easier to do this with our other parts.  Remember that each part serves a purpose, no matter how misguided it might seem.  A part will hold onto its purpose until it feels safe enough to let go of outdated behavior and beliefs. We cultivate this safety with our compassion, curiosity, and appreciation.

What happens when you don’t forgive yourself? Think about all of the ways you deny yourself pleasure. Or limit yourself.  Or overcompensate to make up for what you believe you’ve done wrong.  Certainly, it’s important to take responsibility for our behavior, and mistakes.  What happens so often, however, is that we use punishment to hold ourselves eternally guilty. 

Take a step towards self-forgiveness:

Bring to mind a part of you which you’ve a hard time accepting, or appreciating.  It doesn’t have to be a part you strongly dislike.  For the purposes of this exercise, choose something with low to moderate intensity.

Notice how you feel towards this part.

Ask yourself if you can stay open. Can you approach this part with neutrality, curiosity, or compassion?  Without making it wrong?

When you sense that you can remain neutral, curious, and/or compassionate, tune into the part. Notice what comes up.  Do you notice any visual or visceral representations of this part?

Ask some or all of following questions: How old are you?  Why are you here?  What are you trying to do for me?  What are you afraid will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing? Do you need help from me?

Listen for any insights that come up for you. Write down important points

Share your appreciation with this part. Thank it for helping you.

This technique will help you cultivate appreciation and forgiveness for what you’ve previously judged as wrong. A simpler technique is to check in with a challenging part (or feeling) as it comes up.  Allow yourself to notice it, without making it wrong, and if you can, send it some compassion.  Let it know that you see it.  Checking in is sometimes enough to help your parts feel settled. 

To explore intense feelings and parts, reach out to a trained professional for guidance.  You might be truly amazed at the beauty you find within yourself.

Wishing you inner peace,

Marian

To learn more about parts work, sign up for a complimentary Self-Discovery Call.

 

Going Deeper with IFS

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I’m back.  I stepped away from the world for a while.  Not from my clients or family, but from as much as I could ignore.  There’s a part of me who finds true comfort in retreat.  But alas, summer is over, and it’s time to re-emerge.

On April 9, after a month of hospice, my mother Jo died.  She was a month shy of 101.  She was ready, and I thought I was too.  But still, it was a shock.  During the weeks before her death I put much of my life on hold so that I could be with her during her last days.  My oldest sister stayed as well, and my other sister and brother came regularly to help.  It was a profound time of loss, grief, anxiety, confusion, frustration, happy reunion, gratitude, awe, and continuing acceptance. 

She passed the day after the solar eclipse.  A few days after the earthquake that shook her NJ townhouse.   And the day after I began my training in Internal Family Systems (IFS). Those were impactful days, to say the least.

And though it was a challenge, I am grateful to have started my IFS training during this time.  Practicing IFS, along with EFT Tapping, helped me stay present and grounded.

So, what is IFS, and how does it work? 

Internal Family Systems is a method created by therapist Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.  According to IFS, each of us has multiple parts within us. By understanding and appreciating our parts we’re able to resolve inner conflict, and grow.

It’s during challenging times, when we’re thrown off course, that we often feel the most discomfort.  This discomfort invites us to deepen our self-exploration.  So, with the help of my fellow IFS students, and IFS practitioner, I explored my uncomfortable parts. For example, I visited with the part of me who hesitates to ask for help, even when she needs it.  I also visited with the part who urgently wants to get everything done, as well as the part who loves to procrastinate.

This is a just a snip-it of parts which emerged after my mother’s death, as I stepped into my role estate executor. They’re parts which hold memories, feelings, and outdated beliefs. They were activated by the profound changes in my life. With IFS I was able to go deeper to help unburden my parts.  This is what helped me cultivate more courage, confidence, and peace of mind.

In a nutshell, according to IFS, we all have the following parts: 

The Managers – These are protective parts who live in the future.  They aim to manage (and control) our lives to avoid triggering situations and difficult emotions. These are the parts who push and criticize us.  They urge us to strive for success, defend, people please, and avoid difficult feelings.  

The Firefighters – These are protective parts who live in the present.  They work to soothe and numb uncomfortable feelings. They usually rely on substances and habit-forming behaviors to get the job done. Firefighters often urge us to do what our managers will later shame us for.

The Exiles – The exiles are what our managers and firefighters attempt to protect.  They’re the parts we push away, hide, and neglect. Typically, exiles carry memories, outdated beliefs, and painful emotions.  Often we feel embarrassed, or scared, to show these parts to others, or even to ourselves.  Managers and firefighters work hard to keep exiles and their burdens hidden.

As Richard Schwartz describes in his book No Bad Parts, none of these parts are bad.  Both firefighters and managers try to protect us, even when their tactics prove unhelpful, or even harmful. The exiles typically carry the bulk of the pain.  So instead of scorn, what our parts really need is compassion, understanding, and a way to unburden their loads. Thankfully, this is possible with what IFS calls Self. 

Self –  Self can also be thought of as True Self, Higher Self, etc.  It’s the place within which allows us to witness our parts with curiosity and compassion. A practitioner trained in IFS is able to share her Self energy with clients, and guide them to access their own Self energy. 

It’s with Self energy that we help unburden our exiles and the parts who protect them.  When our parts feel safe, heard, seen, and understood, they can soften enough to let go of painful beliefs and patterns.  This unburdening allows our true gifts to unfold. It brings harmony to our parts and to our lives.

The IFS process invites us to relax and grow into the people we’re truly meant to be.  For this, I am incredibly grateful.  As an IFS-Informed EFT Practitioner, I now offer one-on-one sessions combining both IFS and EFT. For a complimentary call to learn more about how IFS can help you, contact me.

Here’s to the beautiful truth within us all.

Peace,

Marian

 

 

 

10 Ways To Love Yourself

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Why do I believe self-love is so important?  Well, I know from both personal and professional experience that when we practice self-love, we do more to improve our lives, and in turn, the world around us. Most importantly, it’s self-love that helps us build a deeper connection with the authentic self within. 

When we practice self-love, we can gradually let go of the defenses and facades we use for protection. Self-love is about accepting ourselves, including the parts we hide and avoid.  It’s about realizing that even our darkest weaknesses are indeed lovable.  Self-love is healing, and when we feel loved we begin to radiate love. 

Self-love is not about letting ourselves off the hook.  Rather, it’s about encouraging ourselves, and releasing the blocks that stand in our way.  It’s about taking true responsibility for our lives, in a loving, compassionate way.

Here are 10 ways to express self-love.  Use what works best for you.

Give yourself a hug each morning when you wake up. Hold yourself and tell yourself good morning!  Welcome yourself into the day.

When you feel an uncomfortable feeling — pause. Send love and compassion to your feeling.  When possible, ask yourself if the feeling has a message for you.

Spend quiet alone time with yourself, each day. Treasure this time with yourself.  Pay loving, kind attention to yourself.

Do something loving for yourself. Ask yourself: What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?

Close your eyes, and breath in and out from the area of your heart. Imagine that your heart is radiating love. Allow this love to expand through your body, and radiate even further outside of your body.  Allow yourself to rest in the field of love surrounding you.

Do something just for yourself. Something that will awaken your spirit, or nurture your soul.  Do it for you, not for self-growth, or achievement, but just for your enjoyment.

Make a list of all the things you like and love about yourself. Keep this list handy so you can add to it. Refer to it often, especially when you’re feeling down about yourself.

Catch your inner critic in the act. Help this voice find encouraging phrases to use instead.

Accept your mistakes and imperfections. Be gentle with yourself, and remind yourself that you are human.

Write yourself a love letter. Tell yourself what you truly appreciate about yourself.  Show compassion for what you are going through.  Draw special attention to strengths and kindnesses that might go unnoticed.  Write one of these letters once a week, once a month, or as needed.

When you practice self-love, little by little, you can fall in love with yourself.  Each and every act of self-love is worth it, and so are you!

Peace,

Marian

Procrastination: What’s it really about?

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If you ever feel frustrated with your own procrastination, I know the feeling.  Procrastination can be very seductive, and it might feel impossible to resist. Whether it shows up as busy work, succumbing to addictive distractions, or doing nothing at all, it can be a mighty fearsome beast.

As if the results of procrastination weren’t punishing enough, we top it off by beating ourselves up. We say things like:  I’m so lazy.  I never get anything done.  I’ll never get ahead… so why bother?  It won’t work anyway.  I’m such a screw-up.  All of this feels pretty crappy, to say the least.

So what to do when the to-do list feels too hard to accomplish?  Or when you don’t have a clue of what to do.  Maybe you know what you ‘should’ do, but it’s the last thing you want to do. Perhaps you feel like there’s far too much to do, so why even try. 

There are many reasons we use to justify procrastination. Some might be completely justified.  Yet, ongoing procrastination will hold us hostage until we do something about it.

What I’ve found, is that procrastination is seldom solely about the willpower to accomplish more.  Sure, some of our habits might look like a lazy lack of willpower.  Yet, typically, somewhere underneath it all, there’s fear. Fear that might be hiding, or perhaps camouflaged, but strong enough to keep us stuck in procrastination.

The most common of these fears include:  Making a mistake. Being rejected. Shining too brightly. Being incompetent.  Not being enough.  Being too much.  And so on.

What I suggest, when you feel stuck in procrastination, is to proceed with compassionate for yourself.  Beating yourself up will only serve to make you feel worse.  This, of course, can lead to even more procrastination. Or, a flurry of over-activity, followed with a backlash of procrastination. (I’ve done it all…)

What if procrastination is actually a call to look more deeply within. 

What if it’s a call to ask ourselves, what’s triggering me? What am I afraid of? What do I believe about myself? What do I believe about the tasks at hand?  Asking questions is what helps us clarify our blocks and limiting perceptions.

So, once we find our blocks and limiting beliefs — what’s next? 

I highly recommend using EFT Tapping as a tool overcome the emotions and beliefs which underlie procrastination.  Meditation, matrix reimprinting, somatic work, journaling, and/or reaching out to a healing professional are very helpful as well.  Combine your preferred tools and resources to begin resolving the inner conflict which keeps you stuck. I truly believe that until we resolve the issues plaguing us from within, we can only go so far in life.

What I suggest, is to proceed one step at a time. Sometimes the to-do list might look unwieldy. Impossible, perhaps.  Yet, starting with one small action will help build momentum.  Start with one doable task from your list.  Add to that an underlying fear, and use tapping, meditation, or your preferred method, to help it release.

It’s important to take action towards both the tasks that need doing and the limiting beliefs and feelings.  Doing one will help build momentum with the other.  For example, accomplishing a task will help you feel better about yourself, and diminish fear.  Releasing fear and limiting beliefs will enable you get more done.

Start where you are.  Start with something.  Start with one action, one fear.  Build momentum, and go from there.

Here’s to your success!

Peace,

Marian

For a Tapping Video to Help  You Get It Done, Click Here.

Need help getting unstuck? I’m here to help. Reach out.

Accept Where You Are & Move Forward

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With January comes a fresh start.  A new year.  And all of those well-intentioned plans to change something about our lives.  It’s well known, however, that by the time February rolls around, many of us have managed to neglect, or even forget, our best-laid plans.   The pain of this ‘failure’ to reach our goals can often lead us into even more self sabotage.

In my experience, both personally, and professionally, we often start with steps that are simply too big to follow.  Sometimes, based on what we’ve heard, read, or seen, we believe we have to make big strides in order to reach our goals.  It’s great to dream big.  However, our eager big strides often throw us so far out of our comfort zones, that we scramble back to the safety of sabotage.  Or, perhaps they’re so big that we never muster the courage to get started.

Self sabotage, of course, is often, if not always, tied to the desire to stay safe and comfortable. It acts as a form of self-protection.  So, rather than beating yourself up for failing to stick to an exercise routine, or get that project finished, send yourself some compassion.  Realize that continued sabotage is a call to look deeper into why it feels safer to sabotage than move forward.  You may want to ask a professional to help you uncover the deeper issues that may be keeping you stuck.

The belief that it’s not okay to be where we are often leads us to seek quick fixes.  The problem with quick fixes is that they rarely work. We usually fall back to where we started, or even further back, when we fail to make quick progress.  This just breeds more dissatisfaction with ourselves, which can trigger unhealthy coping behaviors, seeking yet another quick fix, or giving up completely.

As hard as it is, when we accept where we are, warts and all, we can begin to take the appropriate steps to move forward.  We can ask for help where we need help.  We can commit to activities which are most beneficial for our current situation.   What’s more, we can clarify what works for us, and what doesn’t.

Often it’s the slow, consistent path that’s actually the fastest route to our goal.  When we’re able to commit to a doable plan, we find our way forward.   One step leads to another, and another, building momentum, and a beautiful sense of accomplishment. 

Acceptance, as opposed to resistance, is about fully acknowledging exactly where we are.  So often we spend far too much time resisting or denying our circumstances. This resistance just keeps us stuck, preventing us from taking the most beneficial steps to move forward. 

What I’m recommending here is to accept that a current situation feels uncomfortable, or painful.  To accept that perhaps we’ve made mistakes that have contributed to our situation.  Or perhaps that we’ve been betrayed in some way.  To get real about where we are, so that we can get clear about our next step forward.

This form of acceptance might not feel good, but it’s crucial.  It’s this acceptance that leads to deeper understanding of what we truly need in the moment to help us move forward.  Conversely, when we refuse to accept, or feel, what’s really going on, we risk falling down the self-sabotage rabbit hole.

When we’re not ready for them, the giant steps, the rigid schedule, the diet, the intense exercise routine, are rarely, if ever, sustainable. It’s the small, doable steps that get us closer to our goals.  We make these small steps by first understanding where we are, what we need, and what’s in our way.  Grounded in this understanding is truly the way forward.

Happy Moving Forward,

Marian

Contact me if you’d like to experience to power of EFT Tapping to help you move forward.