Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Take Time For Your Feelings

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When life feels overwhelming,  take time to acknowledge what’s happening and how you feel.

So often, when we’re faced with monumental changes and events, we want to hurry ahead to fix things. Or, distract ourselves in order to avoid our feelings.  Often, we worry because we don’t know what to do.  We might feel helpless to visualize positive solutions.  All of this can feel downright paralyzing.

Yet, what if the clarity we need is right around the corner…

Clarity is crucial for forward motion.  However, clarity can feel impossible to attain after we’ve been hit by something big.  When life as we know it shifts, we can easily be thrown off center.  It’s during these difficult times that it’s good to grieve what we’ve lost, and acknowledge how hard things feel. This exploration of feelings will help us get the clarity we need to move forward.

So often we’re taught that we need to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and forge ahead.  Certainly, sometimes this is absolutely necessary. Yet, when we continually soldier on, without taking time to grieve our losses, we carry them forward. Ultimately, we can get bogged down by our past.

Unresolved feelings have a habit of seeping into our daily lives, clouding vision, behavior, and overall wellbeing.  It’s as though we’re continually looking through the filters of past hurts and grievances.  These filters can really clog up after a while.  As with any filter, it’s crucial to clear out the gunk for best results.

Allowing space for uncomfortable feelings is what helps them clear.  This clearing contributes to the forward moving clarity we need. Taking time to sit with our feelings can actually free up invaluable time and energy for the future.

Here are some suggestions:

Take breaks, here and there, to sit with yourself.  Tune in.  Notice your feelings. If you can, imagine embracing your feelings with love and compassion. Allow yourself a good cry, if needed.  Simply giving your feelings some compassionate attention can help them soften.

Notice where you typically get triggered. Ask yourself what you’re telling yourself, and what you believe about yourself.  Question beliefs which feel limiting or hurtful. Use your feelings as a guide to a deeper understanding of yourself.

Know that chaotic, helpless feelings are just that.  They hurt, yet they are feelings. And, feelings, when worked with, can transform into better-feeling feelings.

Use EFT Tapping.  Tap to help soften and release uncomfortable feelings.  Focus on the feeling and locate where you feel it in your body.  Breathe deeply, and tap on the EFT tapping points.  No need to say words, but you can if you want to.  Here’s a link to the tapping points.

Change the channel. Spending time with your feelings doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck in them.  Turn your focus to what feels positive and uplifting as well. This, combined with holding space for your pain, lets your nervous system know that you can toggle from one to the other.  In other words, it empowers you to get unstuck.

Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional. Allow yourself to ask for help.  Processing what has happened, or is happening, can be difficult.  A compassionate witness is sometimes what we need most.

Life is a mix of experiences and emotions, ups and downs, stillness and movement, and everything in between.  When we allow space for all of it, we’re able to surf life’s waves with less fear, and a lot more confidence.

Sending you oodles of compassion,

Marian

To learn more about using EFT and IFS, to process emotions, contact me.

 

 

Resolving Polarization

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In Internal Family Systems (IFS), a part is considered to be  place within which holds certain beliefs or feelings.  A polarization, or inner conflict, can occur when two or more parts hold different beliefs and feelings.

Inner polarization just doesn’t feel good.  It’s like being in continual conflict with yourself. It often leaves us feeling stuck and unable to see possible solutions.

In IFS, polarization is seen as a time when two or more parts are at odds with each other. It might show up as a conflict which feels impossible to resolve.  For example, one part who wants to create necessary boundaries with a friend, and another part prefers to people please.  Or a part who wants to linger with the pain of a challenging event, and another who would much rather stay positive.

Sometimes, when we’re faced with inner polarization, we feel unable to take action.  If we do take action, it’s typically from the more dominant part of us.  When this happens, we’ll likely face some inner backlash.  In other words, we might feel triggered by disappointment or uncertainty, which in the end will leave us feeling more conflicted.

What’s important with polarizations, whether internal, or external, is that we listen to all sides of the story.  In IFS, this means we listen to our parts without making them right or wrong. It’s about inviting each part to be heard and seen – without judgement.

Typically, when we feel heard and seen, we’re more likely to soften towards a less extreme position.  It’s when we feel ignored, misunderstood, or dismissed, that we tend to intensify our positions. This holds true for our inner parts, as well as with the people in our lives.

The first step in resolving inner polarization is to listen, with open curiosity, to what each part (side) has to say.  The following exercise is designed to help you get to know more about the parts involved in a conflict.  Use pen and paper to jot down any insights that arise.

First, tune into your conflict.  Choose a conflict which keeps you stuck, or feels challenging to solve. You may want to close your eyes.  Notice how it feels to have this conflict.  Do you notice parts with opposing or differing positions in this conflict? There might also be a part who feels like the conflict is impossible to solve.  Jot down what you notice.

Next, ask yourself if you can stay neutral, and curious, just for this moment.  When you feel like you can temporarily let go of making one part right or wrong, choose one part to focus on first. 

Bring your focus to the first part.  You may want to close your eyes.  Listen with open curiosity.  Ask the following questions, and allow the answers to come.  Jot down the insights you receive.

  1. Ask this part what it really hopes to accomplish.
  2. Ask what it is afraid of happening if it doesn’t succeed.
  3. Ask if there is more that it wants you to know.  

Next, repeat the process.  Bring your focus to the second part, and then again to any additional parts related to the conflict.

When you have finished listening to all parts involved, tune into the conflict again.  Notice how you feel about it.  Notice any shifts in perception.  Are you aware of possible solutions?

This first step is crucial in order to make further progress.  Acceptance and appreciation for our parts is what helps create a sense of inner safety.  This safety is what eventually offers an opening for resolution. 

After doing this exercise you might notice that it’s easier to come to a resolution, because you’ll be more aware of what’s truly important for you. Even if there’s more work involved, you will be on your way.

Learning to resolve our own inner conflicts is what eases our approach to the conflicts in our communities and beyond. 

Wishing You Inner Peace,

Marian

If you’d like help connecting with your parts, sign up for a complimentary Self-Discovery Call.

Going Deeper with IFS

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I’m back.  I stepped away from the world for a while.  Not from my clients or family, but from as much as I could ignore.  There’s a part of me who finds true comfort in retreat.  But alas, summer is over, and it’s time to re-emerge.

On April 9, after a month of hospice, my mother Jo died.  She was a month shy of 101.  She was ready, and I thought I was too.  But still, it was a shock.  During the weeks before her death I put much of my life on hold so that I could be with her during her last days.  My oldest sister stayed as well, and my other sister and brother came regularly to help.  It was a profound time of loss, grief, anxiety, confusion, frustration, happy reunion, gratitude, awe, and continuing acceptance. 

She passed the day after the solar eclipse.  A few days after the earthquake that shook her NJ townhouse.   And the day after I began my training in Internal Family Systems (IFS). Those were impactful days, to say the least.

And though it was a challenge, I am grateful to have started my IFS training during this time.  Practicing IFS, along with EFT Tapping, helped me stay present and grounded.

So, what is IFS, and how does it work? 

Internal Family Systems is a method created by therapist Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.  According to IFS, each of us has multiple parts within us. By understanding and appreciating our parts we’re able to resolve inner conflict, and grow.

It’s during challenging times, when we’re thrown off course, that we often feel the most discomfort.  This discomfort invites us to deepen our self-exploration.  So, with the help of my fellow IFS students, and IFS practitioner, I explored my uncomfortable parts. For example, I visited with the part of me who hesitates to ask for help, even when she needs it.  I also visited with the part who urgently wants to get everything done, as well as the part who loves to procrastinate.

This is a just a snip-it of parts which emerged after my mother’s death, as I stepped into my role estate executor. They’re parts which hold memories, feelings, and outdated beliefs. They were activated by the profound changes in my life. With IFS I was able to go deeper to help unburden my parts.  This is what helped me cultivate more courage, confidence, and peace of mind.

In a nutshell, according to IFS, we all have the following parts: 

The Managers – These are protective parts who live in the future.  They aim to manage (and control) our lives to avoid triggering situations and difficult emotions. These are the parts who push and criticize us.  They urge us to strive for success, defend, people please, and avoid difficult feelings.  

The Firefighters – These are protective parts who live in the present.  They work to soothe and numb uncomfortable feelings. They usually rely on substances and habit-forming behaviors to get the job done. Firefighters often urge us to do what our managers will later shame us for.

The Exiles – The exiles are what our managers and firefighters attempt to protect.  They’re the parts we push away, hide, and neglect. Typically, exiles carry memories, outdated beliefs, and painful emotions.  Often we feel embarrassed, or scared, to show these parts to others, or even to ourselves.  Managers and firefighters work hard to keep exiles and their burdens hidden.

As Richard Schwartz describes in his book No Bad Parts, none of these parts are bad.  Both firefighters and managers try to protect us, even when their tactics prove unhelpful, or even harmful. The exiles typically carry the bulk of the pain.  So instead of scorn, what our parts really need is compassion, understanding, and a way to unburden their loads. Thankfully, this is possible with what IFS calls Self. 

Self –  Self can also be thought of as True Self, Higher Self, etc.  It’s the place within which allows us to witness our parts with curiosity and compassion. A practitioner trained in IFS is able to share her Self energy with clients, and guide them to access their own Self energy. 

It’s with Self energy that we help unburden our exiles and the parts who protect them.  When our parts feel safe, heard, seen, and understood, they can soften enough to let go of painful beliefs and patterns.  This unburdening allows our true gifts to unfold. It brings harmony to our parts and to our lives.

The IFS process invites us to relax and grow into the people we’re truly meant to be.  For this, I am incredibly grateful.  As an IFS-Informed EFT Practitioner, I now offer one-on-one sessions combining both IFS and EFT. For a complimentary call to learn more about how IFS can help you, contact me.

Here’s to the beautiful truth within us all.

Peace,

Marian