Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

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Accept Where You Are & Move Forward

January 19, 2022 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

 

With January comes a fresh start.  A new year.  And all of those well-intentioned plans to change something about our lives.  It’s well known, however, that by the time February rolls around, many of us have managed to neglect, or even forget, our best-laid plans.   The pain of this ‘failure’ to reach our goals can often lead us into even more self sabotage.

In my experience, both personally, and professionally, we often start with steps that are simply too big to follow.  Sometimes, based on what we’ve heard, read, or seen, we believe we have to make big strides in order to reach our goals.  It’s great to dream big.  However, our eager big strides often throw us so far out of our comfort zones, that we scramble back to the safety of sabotage.  Or, perhaps they’re so big that we never muster the courage to get started.

Self sabotage, of course, is often, if not always, tied to the desire to stay safe and comfortable. It acts as a form of self-protection.  So, rather than beating yourself up for failing to stick to an exercise routine, or get that project finished, send yourself some compassion.  Realize that continued sabotage is a call to look deeper into why it feels safer to sabotage than move forward.  You may want to ask a professional to help you uncover the deeper issues that may be keeping you stuck.

The belief that it’s not okay to be where we are often leads us to seek quick fixes.  The problem with quick fixes is that they rarely work. We usually fall back to where we started, or even further back, when we fail to make quick progress.  This just breeds more dissatisfaction with ourselves, which can trigger unhealthy coping behaviors, seeking yet another quick fix, or giving up completely.

As hard as it is, when we accept where we are, warts and all, we can begin to take the appropriate steps to move forward.  We can ask for help where we need help.  We can commit to activities which are most beneficial for our current situation.   What’s more, we can clarify what works for us, and what doesn’t.

Often it’s the slow, consistent path that’s actually the fastest route to our goal.  When we’re able to commit to a doable plan, we find our way forward.   One step leads to another, and another, building momentum, and a beautiful sense of accomplishment. 

Acceptance, as opposed to resistance, is about fully acknowledging exactly where we are.  So often we spend far too much time resisting or denying our circumstances. This resistance just keeps us stuck, preventing us from taking the most beneficial steps to move forward. 

What I’m recommending here is to accept that a current situation feels uncomfortable, or painful.  To accept that perhaps we’ve made mistakes that have contributed to our situation.  Or perhaps that we’ve been betrayed in some way.  To get real about where we are, so that we can get clear about our next step forward.

This form of acceptance might not feel good, but it’s crucial.  It’s this acceptance that leads to deeper understanding of what we truly need in the moment to help us move forward.  Conversely, when we refuse to accept, or feel, what’s really going on, we risk falling down the self-sabotage rabbit hole.

When we’re not ready for them, the giant steps, the rigid schedule, the diet, the intense exercise routine, are rarely, if ever, sustainable. It’s the small, doable steps that get us closer to our goals.  We make these small steps by first understanding where we are, what we need, and what’s in our way.  Grounded in this understanding is truly the way forward.

Happy Moving Forward,

Marian

Contact me if you’d like to experience to power of EFT Tapping to help you move forward.

 

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: Acceptance, build momentum, consistency, EFT, EFT tapping, goals, making progress, moving forward, New Years Resolutions, quick fix, self acceptance, self protection, sense of accomplishment, small steps to make progress

Let Go of Trying to Fix It

February 21, 2019 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

 

I hear it again and again from my clients.  And in the meetup group I run for sensitive, empathic people.  It’s hard to let go of the desire to fix what’s wrong.  It seems that for sensitive people, there’s truly is an innate sense of responsibility that drives us not only to help people, but to try to fix what’s wrong as well.

There’s nothing wrong with helping.  There’s nothing wrong with showing compassion and empathy for others. Sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with fixing.  What gets us into a pickle is when we believe it’s our responsibility to fix other people’s problems.

It might feel natural to want to fix things.  And that’s okay.  So often, however, we want to fix things because we feel uncomfortable when others are uncomfortable. 

Because we easily pick up on what others are feeling, it’s only natural that we would want to stop what hurts.

This, however, is not always possible.  Nor is it warranted.  Just because we have an innate sense of responsibility, it doesn’t mean we need to take responsibility in all situations. 

So, what do we do when we are confronted with the discomfort and disappointment of others? 

As hard as it might feel, it’s truly about surrendering to the moment, and accepting whatever is happening.  It’s about relaxing into the discomfort of not-knowing.  It’s in this allowing that we are able to respond most effectively. It’s in this acceptance that we sometimes realize that our love and compassion is all that’s needed.    

Recently my daughter became quite ill from anesthesia she received for a minor surgery. She couldn’t even hold down water. She eventually became so severely dehydrated that we took her to the ER. 

As a mother, I wanted to fix things.  I wanted to tell her exactly what to do to feel better.  I wanted to find the answers that would solve her problem.  But, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t help her.  She just kept throwing up.  And so, I relaxed.  I relaxed into the not-knowing.  I relaxed into the extreme discomfort.  I relaxed into letting go of how I thought things should be. 

And it was in that relaxation that I found the strength to truly be there for her as she struggled through her pain.  It was all I could do.  All I was meant to do.  All that was needed.  Once we got to the ER, I took care of necessary details, and then I stepped back and allowed the nurses and doctors to help her.  I also allowed the disappointment that even this help didn’t prove to immediately heal her. 

Thankfully, my daughter did recover, the effects from the anesthesia finally dissipated, and she’s back on her feet.  The ER fluids were likely a life-safer.  But in the end, it was a daily waiting game until she finally healed.

Here are Some Steps to Let Go of Trying to Fix Things:

Relax – This will allow you the clarity you need.  Clarity will allow you to see if your help is actually needed, or warranted.  In order to relax, try a combination of deep breathing, EFT Tapping, meditation, soothing music, Tulsi tea, yoga, aromatherapy, or any other technique that helps you.

Get Comfortable with Discomfort — Let go of resisting someone else’s pain.  Instead, step into the role of compassionate witness.  Compassionate witnessing allows you to honor and validate someone’s pain.  This witnessing, without fixing, can be profoundly helpful.

Respond – As necessary.  Fixing and helping are not the same thing.  You can help someone without fixing their problems.  You can be there for a person, to truly help them during their time of need.  Often, that’s the best help there is.  And, in some situations, sometimes saying “NO, I can’t help right now” might be the most helpful response of all.  

With practice we can learn to create balance.  We can learn to ask for help as we need it.  We can let go of believing we’re responsible for fixing what cannot be fixed.

Sometimes, we just have to surrender, and wait it out.

Blessings,

Marian

Need help letting go of feeling so responsible?  Contact me.

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: Acceptance, allow, allowing discomfort, deep breath, doing too much for others, EFT, EFT tapping, empathic people, Helping vs. Fixing, Let go of trying to fix things, meditation, sensitive people, senstive empath, surrender

Let Go of Perfectionism

March 23, 2017 by Marian Buck-Murray 2 Comments

If you wait for perfect you will never get anything done - words of wisdom on a vintage slate blackboard

According to author Anne Lamott:   Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.

What does perfectionism do to you?  Does is stop you from putting yourself out there?  Does it stop you from finishing creative projects?  Does it make you feel like you’ll never be good enough?  Does it work you too hard?  Or does it make you want to give up and not even try?

I know all about perfectionism.  Lately, I’ve been recording videos for a couple of multi-media projects…and it’s taken me a lot longer (much) than I expected. One reason, is that when I started, I kept trying to get it perfect.   All of it.  The sound, the shot, my appearance, my vocal intonation, and on and on.  But alas, between the tech issues, and my mistakes, it was far from perfect.  I realized it would never BE perfect.  And, I was driving myself crazy trying.    

So I relaxed.  And I took my own advice.  I began welcoming the glitches.  Learning from each one.  And I enjoyed feeling my creative flow, untethered by the constrictions of perfection.  

Once I relaxed into the imperfection of the process, everything got easier.  I felt more productive, finding solutions that I never would have found if I had stayed in the vicious do-over cycle.  And I finally finished my most important video, and it’s not perfect.  But it’s finished and it’s perfect for me at this time.

So many of my clients tell me how perfectionism is truly the voice of the oppressor, just as Anne Lammott said.

It holds them back, forcing them to hide their work for fear that it’s not perfect.

Makes them do far more work than is necessary

Stresses them out.

Keeps them on edge.

Fills them with resentment when they see others doing what they wish they could do.

Prevents them from enjoying their work.

Keeps them pretending they are who they’re not.

Blocks intimacy

And on and on.  It’s time to let it go.  Here are some suggestions:

Notice what it’s doing to you. Observe yourself within a situation where you’re attempting perfection.  Notice how you feel. Notice what you do to attain ‘perfection’.  Notice what goes wrong when you try.  Observe, and ask yourself if this pursuit of perfection is truly how you want to spend your time and energy.

 Get clear on your personal best possible outcome. Often, we reach for someone else’s vision of perfection.  Certainly, it’s beneficial to learn from others as we improve our skills, however, it can be easy to create unreasonable expectations based on someone else’s results.  When we don’t meet these expectations it can lead us to give up, or put undue pressure on ourselves to perform.  You can always, always, do your best.  Accept your current abilities and do the best with what you have.  Create your vision of your best possible outcome with what you have right now.

Redefine what perfection means to you. Each mistake and misstep has the potential to teach you something new. When you accept your mistakes with compassion, and humor, it opens the door to perfect solutions.  Acceptance leads to relaxation, which makes it easier to get things done. Help yourself see imperfections as perfect for what you need to learn and accept about yourself.

 Notice the beauty within imperfection.  Go examine the design of the wood grain in a hard wood floor.  Observe the bark of the trunk of a big old tree.  Handle a piece of hand-thrown pottery. Notice how beauty unfolds from even from chaos.  Leonard Cohen expressed this beautifully with these words:

Ring the bells that can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.

Use EFT Tapping. EFT works to help clear perfection’s oppressive shell, and the underlying feelings of stress, anxiety, and self doubt.   I’m currently finalizing the Tap Into Courage Toolkit for Entrepreneurs, Solopreneurs, and Creatives. It’s designed to help clear the most common blocks to success.  One of the modules is all about Perfectionism, since it can be one of the biggest blocks.  If you’d like a free trial of the Perfectionism module once it’s available, contact me.

Truly, letting go of perfectionism is one of the most liberating,  joyful things you can ever do for yourself.

In Blissful Imperfection,

Marian

To apply for a free 30-Minute Unleash Your Creative Genius Call, click here.

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: Acceptance, Anne Lammott, Beauty of Imperfection, EFT tapping, Getting things done, Leonard Cohen, perfection stress, Perfectionism

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The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

Joseph Campbell
Certified EFT Practitioner

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