Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Call Back Your Energy

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Many of my clients talk about feeling fatigued and overwhelmed by all that is happening with the people in their lives and in the world.  It definitely makes a lot of sense.  And, it’s certainly important to do what we can for those in need — our world needs more of it.  However, when boundaries are loose, or non-existent, empathy and compassion for others can easily morph into a belief of being responsible for their well-being.

 I am not suggesting we ignore the well-being of others.  Rather, I am suggesting that the belief that we’re responsible for another’s well-being is what contributes to fatigue and overwhelm.  This belief pushes us to over-give, overextend, micromanage, self-censor, worry, and more.  It can easily leave us feeling completely drained.  When we’re completely drained, it’s impossible, to participate in our lives at our highest potential.

It takes a great deal of energy to take responsibility for another person.  It takes more even more energy to worry about that person.  Add to that the worry for people and creatures around the world, and energy depletion is guaranteed.

I understand, that for many of us, especially sensitive people, it usually doesn’t feel like a choice.  It can feel as though if we don’t take responsibility, no one will. Most often, there are life circumstances which have led to these conclusions.  Because it’s a repetitive pattern, it feels natural, no matter how uncomfortable.  In fact, it typically feels like the ‘right’ or most compassionate thing to do.   

So how do we stay compassionate and caring, without depleting energy? How do we take a step back to spend more time tending to our own needs?   It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely possible.  And the rewards are truly worth it.

Here are some of the mindset shifts and tools that are working for me, and for my clients:

Let Go of Feeling Responsible  — We need to always remember that each person is ultimately responsible for their own well-being.  It can be a tricky dance, but the more we’re able to let go of feeling responsible for another’s well-being, the better.  

It’s a balance that we need to find.  There’s nothing wrong with giving, and helping, and extending ourselves — but letting go of feeling responsible is necessary.  When we feel less burdened by responsibility, we’re able to come from a more genuine, loving place.  This enables us to be truly compassionate, rather than overburdened or resentful.

Certainly, there are those for whom we need to take some or more responsibility, including young children, disabled loved ones, and elderly loved ones.  But even here, there are limits.  Allowing for another’s independence, inner-wisdom, and true nature is paramount.  

Stop Trying to Control What You Cannot Control  — No matter how distressing, we can’t control what happens in the world.  We can’t control what people believe, or how they react or feel.  The same is true for much of what happens with our families, and friends.  Sometimes, we can’t even control what happens to us.  By wanting, imagining, or exerting control over what’s impossible to control, we deplete essential energy.  It’s when we let go of trying to control that we reclaim this energy.  When we reclaim our energy, it’s much easier to manage our responses to our current circumstances. 

When Triggered, Pause and Look Within — When you find yourself triggered, or are afraid of triggering another, it’s time to pause and look within.  Ask yourself what you are trying to stop from happening.  What are you trying to make happen?  What emotions or reactions are you trying to avoid, either in yourself or another?  

Pausing to check in with yourself will help you bring your energy back. This in itself will help de-escalate the trigger.  By checking in, you can focus on your emotions and needs.  This will enable you to do what’s necessary for your own well-being.  This might mean taking a break, doing a meditation, journaling, or reaching out to a healing professional.  All of this will help you call back your energy.

Spend Time Alone – Spend time alone, whether it’s a 15 minute break, a soothing bath,  or a walk in nature.  This will help you let go of external influences, and regroup your energy.

Meditate —  The more you’re able to meditate, the more you will realize that there’s a whole world within, beyond the noise outside.  Maintaining a consistent meditation practice will help you reduce stress, and focus your attention on what’s important to you.  Meditation is a perfect way to call back your energy.

Tap —  EFT Tapping will help you calm your nervous system, and release emotions that keep you on edge.  By physically tapping on acupressure points, you automatically begin to focus your energy back to your body and mind. EFT can also assist you in resolving issues that keep you stuck in energy-depleting patterns.  Click here to learn more about EFT Tapping. 

Practice the Heart Breath — The Heart Breath is a beautiful way to drop out of a worried, distracted, mind, into the power of your heart.  This breath can be incredibly relaxing, and energizing.   An overactive, worried mind depletes an enormous amount of energy. By using the heart breath, you can call back your energy, and harness the power of your heart.  To learn how to use the heart breath, contact me.  To access my Heart Breath Audio Meditation, find me on Insight Timer, or enter your email in the Heart Breath box to the right of this post.

Here’s to more energy!

Peace,

Marian

To experience the power of EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to call back your energy, contact me.

 

What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

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Sabotage is tricky.  It’s seductive.  It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out.  Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others.  It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness.  And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more.  The pull is sometimes too strong to resist.  Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again.  Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection.  It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more.  Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.  

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding.  In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences.  Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing. 

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences.  For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed  or teased by family members.  This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough.  A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing.  He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work,  or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable.  Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection.  For example, she might avoid  or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation.  All to protect against the pain of criticism. 

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children.  Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief.  When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors.  As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings.  It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing.  Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns.  The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place.  Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.  

Suggestions for going deeper:

  • Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
  • Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
  • Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
  • Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional.  EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage.  Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors.  You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness.  It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more.   No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within.  It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.   

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian

 

Accept Where You Are & Move Forward

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With January comes a fresh start.  A new year.  And all of those well-intentioned plans to change something about our lives.  It’s well known, however, that by the time February rolls around, many of us have managed to neglect, or even forget, our best-laid plans.   The pain of this ‘failure’ to reach our goals can often lead us into even more self sabotage.

In my experience, both personally, and professionally, we often start with steps that are simply too big to follow.  Sometimes, based on what we’ve heard, read, or seen, we believe we have to make big strides in order to reach our goals.  It’s great to dream big.  However, our eager big strides often throw us so far out of our comfort zones, that we scramble back to the safety of sabotage.  Or, perhaps they’re so big that we never muster the courage to get started.

Self sabotage, of course, is often, if not always, tied to the desire to stay safe and comfortable. It acts as a form of self-protection.  So, rather than beating yourself up for failing to stick to an exercise routine, or get that project finished, send yourself some compassion.  Realize that continued sabotage is a call to look deeper into why it feels safer to sabotage than move forward.  You may want to ask a professional to help you uncover the deeper issues that may be keeping you stuck.

The belief that it’s not okay to be where we are often leads us to seek quick fixes.  The problem with quick fixes is that they rarely work. We usually fall back to where we started, or even further back, when we fail to make quick progress.  This just breeds more dissatisfaction with ourselves, which can trigger unhealthy coping behaviors, seeking yet another quick fix, or giving up completely.

As hard as it is, when we accept where we are, warts and all, we can begin to take the appropriate steps to move forward.  We can ask for help where we need help.  We can commit to activities which are most beneficial for our current situation.   What’s more, we can clarify what works for us, and what doesn’t.

Often it’s the slow, consistent path that’s actually the fastest route to our goal.  When we’re able to commit to a doable plan, we find our way forward.   One step leads to another, and another, building momentum, and a beautiful sense of accomplishment. 

Acceptance, as opposed to resistance, is about fully acknowledging exactly where we are.  So often we spend far too much time resisting or denying our circumstances. This resistance just keeps us stuck, preventing us from taking the most beneficial steps to move forward. 

What I’m recommending here is to accept that a current situation feels uncomfortable, or painful.  To accept that perhaps we’ve made mistakes that have contributed to our situation.  Or perhaps that we’ve been betrayed in some way.  To get real about where we are, so that we can get clear about our next step forward.

This form of acceptance might not feel good, but it’s crucial.  It’s this acceptance that leads to deeper understanding of what we truly need in the moment to help us move forward.  Conversely, when we refuse to accept, or feel, what’s really going on, we risk falling down the self-sabotage rabbit hole.

When we’re not ready for them, the giant steps, the rigid schedule, the diet, the intense exercise routine, are rarely, if ever, sustainable. It’s the small, doable steps that get us closer to our goals.  We make these small steps by first understanding where we are, what we need, and what’s in our way.  Grounded in this understanding is truly the way forward.

Happy Moving Forward,

Marian

Contact me if you’d like to experience to power of EFT Tapping to help you move forward.

 

5 Tips to Deal with Family Triggers

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Ahhh.  Holiday time.  So often that means family-gathering time.  And time with family can be wonderful.  Unless, of course, it’s not. 

For some, family gatherings mean a whole host of triggers getting triggered.  Everything from old sibling squabbles, unresolved wounds, political or lifestyle differences, and even food choices, are game in the family trigger arena.  

Even when we’re trying so hard to be ‘zen’ about it, old hurts can throw us right back into the ring.

So here, my friend, are some tips to help you actually feel a whole lot more zen, so maybe you can truly enjoy your family this season.  Or, for that matter, anytime you get together, call, write, or somehow communicate with your family members.  Enjoy.

 

 

Peace,
Marian

P.S.  Reach out to me if you’d like help releasing old hurts and disappointments.

Let Go of Trying to Fix It

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I hear it again and again from my clients.  And in the meetup group I run for sensitive, empathic people.  It’s hard to let go of the desire to fix what’s wrong.  It seems that for sensitive people, there’s truly is an innate sense of responsibility that drives us not only to help people, but to try to fix what’s wrong as well.

There’s nothing wrong with helping.  There’s nothing wrong with showing compassion and empathy for others. Sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with fixing.  What gets us into a pickle is when we believe it’s our responsibility to fix other people’s problems.

It might feel natural to want to fix things.  And that’s okay.  So often, however, we want to fix things because we feel uncomfortable when others are uncomfortable. 

Because we easily pick up on what others are feeling, it’s only natural that we would want to stop what hurts.

This, however, is not always possible.  Nor is it warranted.  Just because we have an innate sense of responsibility, it doesn’t mean we need to take responsibility in all situations. 

So, what do we do when we are confronted with the discomfort and disappointment of others? 

As hard as it might feel, it’s truly about surrendering to the moment, and accepting whatever is happening.  It’s about relaxing into the discomfort of not-knowing.  It’s in this allowing that we are able to respond most effectively. It’s in this acceptance that we sometimes realize that our love and compassion is all that’s needed.    

Recently my daughter became quite ill from anesthesia she received for a minor surgery. She couldn’t even hold down water. She eventually became so severely dehydrated that we took her to the ER. 

As a mother, I wanted to fix things.  I wanted to tell her exactly what to do to feel better.  I wanted to find the answers that would solve her problem.  But, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t help her.  She just kept throwing up.  And so, I relaxed.  I relaxed into the not-knowing.  I relaxed into the extreme discomfort.  I relaxed into letting go of how I thought things should be. 

And it was in that relaxation that I found the strength to truly be there for her as she struggled through her pain.  It was all I could do.  All I was meant to do.  All that was needed.  Once we got to the ER, I took care of necessary details, and then I stepped back and allowed the nurses and doctors to help her.  I also allowed the disappointment that even this help didn’t prove to immediately heal her. 

Thankfully, my daughter did recover, the effects from the anesthesia finally dissipated, and she’s back on her feet.  The ER fluids were likely a life-safer.  But in the end, it was a daily waiting game until she finally healed.

Here are Some Steps to Let Go of Trying to Fix Things:

Relax – This will allow you the clarity you need.  Clarity will allow you to see if your help is actually needed, or warranted.  In order to relax, try a combination of deep breathing, EFT Tapping, meditation, soothing music, Tulsi tea, yoga, aromatherapy, or any other technique that helps you.

Get Comfortable with Discomfort — Let go of resisting someone else’s pain.  Instead, step into the role of compassionate witness.  Compassionate witnessing allows you to honor and validate someone’s pain.  This witnessing, without fixing, can be profoundly helpful.

Respond – As necessary.  Fixing and helping are not the same thing.  You can help someone without fixing their problems.  You can be there for a person, to truly help them during their time of need.  Often, that’s the best help there is.  And, in some situations, sometimes saying “NO, I can’t help right now” might be the most helpful response of all.  

With practice we can learn to create balance.  We can learn to ask for help as we need it.  We can let go of believing we’re responsible for fixing what cannot be fixed.

Sometimes, we just have to surrender, and wait it out.

Blessings,

Marian

Need help letting go of feeling so responsible?  Contact me.