Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

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Befriend Your Shadow

September 30, 2020 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

So often, especially for sensitive people, our personal shadow side is difficult to acknowledge. It’s as if acknowledging the shadow will somehow negate the good we’re doing in the world. Or perhaps the sheer presence of a shadow means we haven’t done enough ‘work’ on ourselves. Or that we’re not spiritual enough. Or, worse, that there’s something permanently wrong with us.

Yes.  Our shadows are tough to explore. They’re designed to be tough.  Tough enough to keep us away from those unwanted parts of ourselves, banished so long ago.  Sometimes we don’t even know they’re there.

The problem with shadows, though, is that they never truly stay hidden.  They creep into our behavior, our reactions, our moods, and our personalities. Sometimes they scream at us. And they always push us out of alignment.  They will continue to push us out of alignment, until we begin to take notice. Until we embrace them.  Simply put, until we befriend our shadows, we will never be able to find true fulfillment.

If you’re new to shadow work, here is a brief description of a few common types of shadows.

3 common types of shadows:

Dark Shadows:  These include mistakes, wrong-doings, and traumatic events.  This is where we harbor shame. We typically spend inordinate amounts of energy trying to hide, deny and avoid these dark shadows.  Neglected, they can lead to all sorts of negative, and even harmful, behavior towards ourselves and others.

Unacknowledged Gifts:  Here we find our natural strengths and talents which have been pushed into the shadows. This usually happens during youth, as a result of some form of rejection.  They can get triggered by someone else’s success, along with resentment, anger, or jealousy.  These shadows can lead to all sorts of self sabotage from unfulfilling jobs, to procrastination, to overall stagnation.

Light Shadows:  These shadows can stem from an inner belief that we’re not good, lovable, or valuable enough. Often these shadows include an unresolved need to be loved, or validated.  They can lead to overly-friendly, overly-giving, and overly-responsible behaviors.

An effective way of approaching any of our shadows is with forgiveness, compassion, and love. Woven into our shadows are layers of pain and suffering, yearning to be healed.  EFT Tapping, meditation, therapy, journaling, prayer, and deep self-care routines, are all helpful methods to assist you as you work with your shadows.

Remember, shadow work takes consistency, patience, compassion, love, and help from others.  It’s worth it.  It’s an experience that will truly transform your life.

 Reach out to me if you’d like to learn how to use EFT Tapping to work with your shadows.

With Love,

Marian

 

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: EFT tapping, embrace your shadow side, hidden gifts and talents, hsp, light shadows, sensitive people, shadow, Shadow work

Let Go of Trying to Fix It

February 21, 2019 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

 

I hear it again and again from my clients.  And in the meetup group I run for sensitive, empathic people.  It’s hard to let go of the desire to fix what’s wrong.  It seems that for sensitive people, there’s truly is an innate sense of responsibility that drives us not only to help people, but to try to fix what’s wrong as well.

There’s nothing wrong with helping.  There’s nothing wrong with showing compassion and empathy for others. Sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with fixing.  What gets us into a pickle is when we believe it’s our responsibility to fix other people’s problems.

It might feel natural to want to fix things.  And that’s okay.  So often, however, we want to fix things because we feel uncomfortable when others are uncomfortable. 

Because we easily pick up on what others are feeling, it’s only natural that we would want to stop what hurts.

This, however, is not always possible.  Nor is it warranted.  Just because we have an innate sense of responsibility, it doesn’t mean we need to take responsibility in all situations. 

So, what do we do when we are confronted with the discomfort and disappointment of others? 

As hard as it might feel, it’s truly about surrendering to the moment, and accepting whatever is happening.  It’s about relaxing into the discomfort of not-knowing.  It’s in this allowing that we are able to respond most effectively. It’s in this acceptance that we sometimes realize that our love and compassion is all that’s needed.    

Recently my daughter became quite ill from anesthesia she received for a minor surgery. She couldn’t even hold down water. She eventually became so severely dehydrated that we took her to the ER. 

As a mother, I wanted to fix things.  I wanted to tell her exactly what to do to feel better.  I wanted to find the answers that would solve her problem.  But, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t help her.  She just kept throwing up.  And so, I relaxed.  I relaxed into the not-knowing.  I relaxed into the extreme discomfort.  I relaxed into letting go of how I thought things should be. 

And it was in that relaxation that I found the strength to truly be there for her as she struggled through her pain.  It was all I could do.  All I was meant to do.  All that was needed.  Once we got to the ER, I took care of necessary details, and then I stepped back and allowed the nurses and doctors to help her.  I also allowed the disappointment that even this help didn’t prove to immediately heal her. 

Thankfully, my daughter did recover, the effects from the anesthesia finally dissipated, and she’s back on her feet.  The ER fluids were likely a life-safer.  But in the end, it was a daily waiting game until she finally healed.

Here are Some Steps to Let Go of Trying to Fix Things:

Relax – This will allow you the clarity you need.  Clarity will allow you to see if your help is actually needed, or warranted.  In order to relax, try a combination of deep breathing, EFT Tapping, meditation, soothing music, Tulsi tea, yoga, aromatherapy, or any other technique that helps you.

Get Comfortable with Discomfort — Let go of resisting someone else’s pain.  Instead, step into the role of compassionate witness.  Compassionate witnessing allows you to honor and validate someone’s pain.  This witnessing, without fixing, can be profoundly helpful.

Respond – As necessary.  Fixing and helping are not the same thing.  You can help someone without fixing their problems.  You can be there for a person, to truly help them during their time of need.  Often, that’s the best help there is.  And, in some situations, sometimes saying “NO, I can’t help right now” might be the most helpful response of all.  

With practice we can learn to create balance.  We can learn to ask for help as we need it.  We can let go of believing we’re responsible for fixing what cannot be fixed.

Sometimes, we just have to surrender, and wait it out.

Blessings,

Marian

Need help letting go of feeling so responsible?  Contact me.

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: Acceptance, allow, allowing discomfort, deep breath, doing too much for others, EFT, EFT tapping, empathic people, Helping vs. Fixing, Let go of trying to fix things, meditation, sensitive people, senstive empath, surrender

Overcome Social Anxiety– Tips to Make it So Much Easier!

September 27, 2018 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

 

Frequently my clients will talk about feeling anxious when meeting new people, or  participating in social situations.  I understand their anxiety.  And though I still deal with it, I have created ways to overcome it, so I can step into new situations with ease.

Social anxiety can be more acute for sensitive, empathic people. Consistently being attuned to how others are feeling can create a sense of overwhelm and discomfort.  In addition, sensitive people are more apt to worry about what other people think of them. This can easily trigger an ongoing mind-loop of anxious thoughts, which of course will make socializing even more difficult.

The key to overcoming social anxiety, is somewhat paradoxical.  The key is to both detach from what others are thinking, and at the same time, listen completely to what they are saying. 

We can’t ever truly know what a person is thinking.  However, when we listen carefully, we can understand deeply.  And people love to be understood.

Here are the steps which help me overcome my own anxiety:

Positive visualization.  Before the event, I sit down and visualize things going smoothly.  This is an important step, because we’re so often visualizing that things will go poorly. In my visualization I don’t get very detailed.  Instead, I visualize the scene filled with peace, laughter, and joy. I visualize, and sense, how I’d like to feel when I’m there.  This technique is amazingly helpful. It’s gotten me though interviews, corporate talks, workshops I’m hosting, holiday parties, and more.

EFT Tapping. Again, before the event, I do a few rounds of EFT Tapping.  I tune into any anxiety I might be feeling, and I tap.  This helps reduce cortisol, the major stress hormone.  Sometimes only 5 minutes of tapping will do the trick.  For more anxiety-provoking situations I might work on it longer, or get help from another practitioner.

Deep Breathing. Once you get to your event, remember to breathe deeply.  Check in with yourself to make sure you are breathing.  Shallow breathing, up high in your chest, will trigger a sense of stress. Deep breathing, from down in your belly, turns on the relaxation response.

Listen Deeply. When talking with someone at the event, someone you know, or someone you don’t, remember to listen deeply to what they are saying. Most people truly like to talk about themselves. And everyone loves to be heard and understood.  So, rather than stressing about what you should say, relax, and listen.  Drop out of your head, and allow yourself to tap into your intuitive flow.  Ask questions to learn more about the person you’re with.  This will help form a connection, and create an easier flow of communication.

Find Your People. Now, it’s definitely important to step out of your comfort zone to meet new people.  However, if you feel overwhelmed by social anxiety at first, it’s okay to start by spending time with just a few people, or even one person, with whom you feel comfortable.  The goal here, is not to use these people as a crutch, but rather to use deep listening, and question-asking, to help you build your confidence.  Get yourself going, and then step out to meet someone new.

Plan Your Exit – Often times it’s okay to leave early. It’s also okay to excuse yourself for a moment to go outside to get some air. Social events can be over-stimulating for anyone, especially a sensitive person. So, when appropriate, and if needed, plan an early exit. Bring your own car, or agree ahead of time on an exit time with whomever is driving. Just knowing you can leave early will help you relax and enjoy yourself.  And, if you’re truly okay, you might even want to stay longer than you planned.

By following these steps, you will help make socializing will feel easier and easier.  You’ll make a deeper connection with more people, and therefore feel comfortable around more people. You might even begin to crave social events.  I do, even though I still get anxious sometimes.

Need help calming your own social anxiety?  Contact me.

In Courage,

Marian

 

 

 

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: anxiety relief, creative visualization, deep breathing, deep listening, EFT tapping, Empath, sensitive people, social anxiety, Socializing

My Shortlist of Books to Help You Go Deeper

August 7, 2018 by Marian Buck-Murray 2 Comments

 

I’m keeping this post extra short with a shortlist of books I love.  These books are potent and you might want to keep them handy so you can revisit them again and again.

The Untethered Soul
by Michael Singer

This beautiful book is simple, and profound.  Michael Singer takes us on a lovely dive through consciousness, into the liberation of the soul.  It’s in this place of the soul, that we find freedom from the thoughts that bind us.  Rich, and meditative. 

The Easiest Way to Live
by Mabel Katz

This book is based on Ho’oponopono, the ancient Hawaiian art of problem-solving.  Mabel Katz teaches us how to use the Ho-oponopono prayer:  I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You, I Love You.  The philosphy: when we take responsibility for our lives, we can heal our lives.  A thoughtful, insightful book, for those who are interested in learning how to use Ho’oponopono to make life easier.

Everything is Here to Help You. A Loving Guide To Your Soul’s Evolution, 
By Matt Kahn

Although this is perhaps the most woo-woo of the bunch, this book has practical guidance for evolving your soul.  Matt Kahn gives us step-by-step guidance for moving from ego-driven blame and self-denial, into self-love and authentic expression.  Included is a chapter with clearings and prayers to help the reader clear out old beliefs and patterns.

Crossing to Avalon
By Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD

Beautifully written, Jean Shinoda Bolen brings us on a pilgrimage through some of the most sacred sites in Europe.  A blending of memoir, myth, and the mystical Holy Grail, Bolen guides the reader into a deeper appreciation of the sacred feminine. Rich in spiritual metaphor, this is the kind of book you’ll want to savor, slowly.

The Empath Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People
by Judith Orloff, MD

This is a great self-help book for sensitive, empathic people. Psychiatrist  Judith Orloff, an empath herself, gives us assessments, tools, and techniques to navigate a not-so-sensitive world.  A helpful book, combining  expert guidance, and first-hand experience.

Enjoy!  Let me know which are your favorite books for diving deep into your soul!  Leave a comment below.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

 

To learn how to use EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to go deeper within your own consciousness, contact me.

 

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: Crossing to Avalon, empath survival guide, Everything Is Here To Help You, ho'oponopono, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Judith Orloff, Mabel Katz, Matt Kahn, meditation, Michael Singer, sensitive people, soul, soul evolution, spiritual booklist, summer books, The Easiest Way To Live, The Untethered Soul, woo-woo

How to Enjoy Vacation with Extended Family and Friends

July 17, 2018 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

 

Okay.  I love my family.  I do.  Yet, getting together for a week-long vacation, with my mother, brother, husband, daughters, sisters, nephews, nieces, additional extended-family members, and assorted friends, can be trying for a sensitive person like myself. 

And that’s just what I did. Down the Jersey Shore. I had a blast!

Like most sensitive people, I crave alone-time, serenity, harmony, and lots of quiet.  It’s not that none of that was available during my vacation.  Many times, though, I had to actively cultivate it for myself.  

Most importantly, it’s what I allowed myself to do, knowing that by honoring my need for self-care, I would be more able to enjoy my family and friends.

Here are some tips to help you make your gatherings more enjoyable:

Take time for yourself.  This is crucial.  Get up early to take a walk by yourself.  Go on a solo adventure.  Meditate.  Read. Do some EFT Tapping.  Taking time for yourself will help you get centered, grounded, and present.  And…more able to enjoy the people around you.

Limit alcohol consumption.  If you drink, consider reducing what you’d normally drink on vacation. Alcohol can easily build up, leaving you feeling groggy and even depressed.  Alcohol, of course can also contribute to heated discussions and arguments.  Instead, keep yourself hydrated with water and  herbal drinks.

Disengage from drama.  When heated discussions or arguments do arise, step back from the drama.  Unless it’s crucial to clarify a point, there’s no need to fuel drama.  Expectations, and often emotions, run high during gatherings with family and friends. Stepping back as a more neutral observer will help you keep the peace. And, peace, for the sensitive person, is bliss.

Stretch yourself by communing with your vacation-mates.  Strike up a conversation with someone you don’t normally talk to.  Find out more about the people you’re with.  Participate in activities you’d normally skip.  Stretch and experience the experience!  By consistently allowing yourself downtime, stretching in new ways will be a whole lot easier!

Bring reading materials— Easy-reads work best in distraction-filled environments. Treat yourself, and read something that truly appeals to your senses.  Good reading materials are key to enjoying yourself during down-times, and inclement weather.

Plan Meals in Advance – Who will be cooking meals? Will you be bringing pre-cooked meals? How will expenses, shopping,  and kitchen duties be shared?  Any special diets?  Will you be eating out?  Getting clear about kitchen duties will help you by-pass a lot of confusion, and discontent.

Plan Activities in Advance – If your vacation includes sight-seeing, and/0r out-door activities,  make sure to research and plan accordingly. Where possible, stay flexible, and open to compromise.  Consider consulting with a travel agent to help you customize your travel plans to satisfy the different members of your group.

Participate and contribute – Give your fair share in terms of expenses, and effort, yet don’t be afraid to ask for help. Do your part to keep things equitable for yourself and others.

Enjoy!  And don’t forget to take lots of photos.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

Contact me to learn how to use EFT Tapping to help you clear family conflict.

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: downtime, downtime during vacation, EFT tapping, enjoying family vacation, extended-family vacations, sensitive people, Sensitivity, surviving family vacations, tips for happier vacation

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The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

Joseph Campbell
Certified EFT Practitioner

Disclaimer: The information and concepts presented on this website are for educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition. It is not intended to substitute for the advice, treatment and/or diagnosis of a qualified licensed medical professional.

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