Marian Buck Murray

EFT and Matrix Reimprinting for Sensitive, Empathic, Creative People. Step out of the shadows and share your gifts and talents.

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What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

February 16, 2022 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

Sabotage is tricky.  It’s seductive.  It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out.  Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others.  It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness.  And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more.  The pull is sometimes too strong to resist.  Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again.  Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection.  It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more.  Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.  

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding.  In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences.  Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing. 

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences.  For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed  or teased by family members.  This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough.  A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing.  He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work,  or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable.  Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection.  For example, she might avoid  or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation.  All to protect against the pain of criticism. 

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children.  Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief.  When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors.  As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings.  It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing.  Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns.  The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place.  Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.  

Suggestions for going deeper:

  • Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
  • Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
  • Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
  • Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional.  EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage.  Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors.  You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness.  It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more.   No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within.  It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.   

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian

 

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: busy work, coping strategies, EFT, EFT tapping, inner saboteur, love and compassion, matrix reimprinting, Perfectionism, Procrastination, sabotaging behavior, self sabotage

How To Get Back Up After You Fall Down

February 13, 2018 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

 

Watching the Olympics, it’s easy to feel inspired. So many strong, able, beautiful bodies all in one place.  So many inspiring stories.  It motivates me to get my own body into really good shape.

But I, like most of us, am not even close to understanding what athletes go through to get to the Olympics in the first place.

We all know it’s a lot of work.  Pre-dawn wake-ups, hard-core work-outs, compromises, schedules, expenses, pain, injury, and rejection.

What we don’t know, because they’re too numerous to count, are how many times the athletes fell down.  In practice.  At competitions.  The first 100 or 1000 times they tried.

What we do see, however, after all the pain, are the phenomenal feats of athletes such as Skater Adam Rippon, Snowboarder Chloe Kim, Cross Country Skier Simen Kreuger, and so many others.  We see them when they’re at their best.  And, even then, sometimes they fall, and then they get back up again. 

And of course, there’s Shaun White, who, after failing to medal in 2014, and after a horrific crash in the Fall of 2017, got back up again to win the Gold in 2018!

What brings these athletes to the Olympics is not only their enormous talent and skill, but their ability to persevere — to get back up after falling — and continue on, right where they left off.

I fall down when I get some sort of rejection in my business.  Or when I create an idea for a workshop that just doesn’t fly. Or when I find myself neglecting my work, my health, or my family.

Where do you fall down?  What do you do to get back up?

Of course, it hurts to fall down. And the more we fall, the worse it can feel!  And, if we’re sensitive or perfectionistic, it might feel almost unbearable.  But each time we fall, we’re presented once again, with the chance to get back up and do it even better the next time.

Here are some tips to help you get back up again:

Accept mistakes and misfortunes as part of the game.  It’s not about something being wrong with you. Or even that you did something wrong. The more you swim around in feelings of defeat, the more defeated you will feel. Allow yourself to begin to let go of your perception that mistakes and ‘failures’ are wrong.  Instead, remind yourself that each misstep is actually a stepping stone towards your goal.

Surround yourself with love and acceptance.  Give yourself some much-needed love at those times when you’re feeling down and defeated. Hug yourself, literally, by wrapping your arms across your chest, holding the points above your elbows. Close your eyes, and hold yourself like this, breathing deeply, and imagine a field of love and compassion all around you.

Feel your uncomfortable feelings, and then let them go.  It’s okay to feel sad, angry, disappointed, ashamed, frustrated, or scared when you lose your footing.  Embrace these feelings, and then let them release. Holding onto them, or resisting them, will only make them stronger in the end.  Try deep breathing, meditation, or EFT Tapping to clear away your uncomfortable feelings.

Use your experience as guidance for your next step.  What can you learn from your fall?  What can you do differently next time?  Is there a different way to prepare?  Do you have inner blocks or doubts you need to release?  Assess your situation, take action, and move forward.

Use Creative Visualization.  Visualization is a very popular tool among athletes. Often, you’ll notice that an athlete appears to be going over her routine in her mind, right before a performance. This visual rehearsing helps the subconscious mind remember what to do, automatically.  When done consistently, visualization will teach the subconscious mind a new pattern, and the ‘thinking’ brain (with all its fears and limitations) can take a rest.

Reach out for support.  One thing is very clear.  Athletes need the support of their coaches, teammates, friends, and family.  A healthy source of support can help minimize the effects of failure. If you’re feeling unsupported, reach out to a friend, family member, or professional. The right support will help you feel encouraged, so you can build and strengthen your sense of value, confidence, and courage.

What I love about EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting, is that they’re such amazing tools to help when we’ve fallen down. EFT helps to release uncomfortable feelings, and increase a sense of peace and calm. Matrix Reimprinting uses the creative mind to overwrite an old limiting vision with a brand new, positive vision. Invaluable tools to help us get back up again.  Contact me to learn more.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Courage, creative visualization, EFT tapping, encouragement, get back up again, how to handle mistakes, matrix reimprinting, Olympics, Perfectionism, self-love and acceptance, sensitive, what to do when you fall down

Let Go of Perfectionism

March 23, 2017 by Marian Buck-Murray 2 Comments

If you wait for perfect you will never get anything done - words of wisdom on a vintage slate blackboard

According to author Anne Lamott:   Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.

What does perfectionism do to you?  Does is stop you from putting yourself out there?  Does it stop you from finishing creative projects?  Does it make you feel like you’ll never be good enough?  Does it work you too hard?  Or does it make you want to give up and not even try?

I know all about perfectionism.  Lately, I’ve been recording videos for a couple of multi-media projects…and it’s taken me a lot longer (much) than I expected. One reason, is that when I started, I kept trying to get it perfect.   All of it.  The sound, the shot, my appearance, my vocal intonation, and on and on.  But alas, between the tech issues, and my mistakes, it was far from perfect.  I realized it would never BE perfect.  And, I was driving myself crazy trying.    

So I relaxed.  And I took my own advice.  I began welcoming the glitches.  Learning from each one.  And I enjoyed feeling my creative flow, untethered by the constrictions of perfection.  

Once I relaxed into the imperfection of the process, everything got easier.  I felt more productive, finding solutions that I never would have found if I had stayed in the vicious do-over cycle.  And I finally finished my most important video, and it’s not perfect.  But it’s finished and it’s perfect for me at this time.

So many of my clients tell me how perfectionism is truly the voice of the oppressor, just as Anne Lammott said.

It holds them back, forcing them to hide their work for fear that it’s not perfect.

Makes them do far more work than is necessary

Stresses them out.

Keeps them on edge.

Fills them with resentment when they see others doing what they wish they could do.

Prevents them from enjoying their work.

Keeps them pretending they are who they’re not.

Blocks intimacy

And on and on.  It’s time to let it go.  Here are some suggestions:

Notice what it’s doing to you. Observe yourself within a situation where you’re attempting perfection.  Notice how you feel. Notice what you do to attain ‘perfection’.  Notice what goes wrong when you try.  Observe, and ask yourself if this pursuit of perfection is truly how you want to spend your time and energy.

 Get clear on your personal best possible outcome. Often, we reach for someone else’s vision of perfection.  Certainly, it’s beneficial to learn from others as we improve our skills, however, it can be easy to create unreasonable expectations based on someone else’s results.  When we don’t meet these expectations it can lead us to give up, or put undue pressure on ourselves to perform.  You can always, always, do your best.  Accept your current abilities and do the best with what you have.  Create your vision of your best possible outcome with what you have right now.

Redefine what perfection means to you. Each mistake and misstep has the potential to teach you something new. When you accept your mistakes with compassion, and humor, it opens the door to perfect solutions.  Acceptance leads to relaxation, which makes it easier to get things done. Help yourself see imperfections as perfect for what you need to learn and accept about yourself.

 Notice the beauty within imperfection.  Go examine the design of the wood grain in a hard wood floor.  Observe the bark of the trunk of a big old tree.  Handle a piece of hand-thrown pottery. Notice how beauty unfolds from even from chaos.  Leonard Cohen expressed this beautifully with these words:

Ring the bells that can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.

Use EFT Tapping. EFT works to help clear perfection’s oppressive shell, and the underlying feelings of stress, anxiety, and self doubt.   I’m currently finalizing the Tap Into Courage Toolkit for Entrepreneurs, Solopreneurs, and Creatives. It’s designed to help clear the most common blocks to success.  One of the modules is all about Perfectionism, since it can be one of the biggest blocks.  If you’d like a free trial of the Perfectionism module once it’s available, contact me.

Truly, letting go of perfectionism is one of the most liberating,  joyful things you can ever do for yourself.

In Blissful Imperfection,

Marian

To apply for a free 30-Minute Unleash Your Creative Genius Call, click here.

Filed Under: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Uncategorized Tagged With: Acceptance, Anne Lammott, Beauty of Imperfection, EFT tapping, Getting things done, Leonard Cohen, perfection stress, Perfectionism

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What my clients say:

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

Joseph Campbell
Certified EFT Practitioner

Disclaimer: The information and concepts presented on this website are for educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition. It is not intended to substitute for the advice, treatment and/or diagnosis of a qualified licensed medical professional.

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