self sabotage | Marian Buck Murray

Shadow Talk

March 9, 2022 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

I’m all about befriending our shadows. It’s part of my self-care practice and a big part of my work with clients. And, as a person who used to be terrified of my own shadows, I am so thankful I’ve learned how to make friends. It’s helped me feel so much lighter, happier, and free to truly be myself. What’s more, it has helped me unravel old, stuck, sabotaging patterns which have interfered with my success.

One practice I do on a regular basis is talk with my shadows. I find that when I get to know them on a deeper level, I discover the clues to a specific challenge I might be experiencing. For example, a shadow of my Unmotivated Teen might come up when I think about doing the work in front of me. This shadow might urge me to zone out and avoid my work. Obviously it’s hard to get my best work done when there’s a shadow urging me to avoid it. So, rather than shunning this shadow, I take the time to learn more about it, and everything changes.

Here’s how to strike up a conversation with your own shadows:

When you notice a limiting pattern coming up for you, perhaps a self-sabotaging pattern, pause. Notice the emotions you’re feeling. Notice what you are being urged to do or not do. Notice how young you feel. As best you can, form a picture in your mind of a character (human or other) which represents this limiting pattern.

Approach this character as if it’s a shadow within you. You might want to give it a name. Do your best to cultivate a sense of curiosity, with the intent to be accepting and non-judgemental.

Here are some sample questions you might want to ask. For each question, pause, listen, and tune in to the answers that come up.

Can you tell me more about why you’re here right now?
What’s going on for you, what are you feeling?
Is there something you’d like me to understand about you?
What would help you feel better?
What do you need?
Is there anything else you want to tell me?se

You can take this conversation deeper by using a journal to dialogue with your shadow. Create back and forth journal entries between you and your shadow. Ask questions, stay curious, invite your shadow to answer the questions.

No matter how you do it, the practice of conversing with your shadows is powerful. It encourages self-forgiveness, and resolution of inner conflict. It makes it easy to bring compassion and understanding to the shadowy, dark places within. It’s informative and transformative. It’s something, once you get going, that you’ll likely want to come back to, again and again.

Peace,

Marian

NOTE: If you’re dealing with trauma, or feel that your pain is unbearable, reach out to a professional who can assist you with this practice. Contact me to learn more about using EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to work with your shadows.

What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

February 16, 2022 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

Sabotage is tricky. It’s seductive. It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out. Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others. It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness. And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more. The pull is sometimes too strong to resist. Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again. Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection. It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more. Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding. In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences. Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing.

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences. For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed or teased by family members. This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough. A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing. He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work, or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable. Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection. For example, she might avoid or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation. All to protect against the pain of criticism.

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children. Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief. When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors. As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings. It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing. Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns. The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place. Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.

Suggestions for going deeper:

Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional. EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage. Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors. You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness. It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more. No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within. It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian

4 Steps to Stop Self Sabotage

October 13, 2016 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

How many times have you found yourself halting your dreams midstream? Frustrating, right? I know. I know. If you’re prone to self-sabotage, like I am, things might seem to go awry just before you’re ready to do something bigger and bolder.

It’s tricky and sly, this sabotaging fiend. And sometimes we don’t even know we’re doing it. Coming down with a cold, or getting injured, may seem like an unfortunate coincidence that interrupts your creative flow. But what if it’s not. What if it’s one more way that you’re getting in your own way, and halting your dreams midstream?

Certainly, there are the obvious self-sabotaging habits such as constantly checking your phone when it’s time to work, or watching Netflix instead of writing your blog, or doing the laundry instead of going to that networking meeting you promised to attend. The list is endless.

Self-sabotage shows up everywhere! It includes: procrastination, neglecting your schedule, ‘forgetting’ to respond to emails or phone calls, not speaking up for yourself, not charging enough for your work, and not reaching for bigger opportunities.

Because I’ve caught myself so many times thrashing against the undertow of self-sabotage, I’ve come up with a process to help stop it before it starts.

Here are 4 Steps to Stop Self Sabotage:

Step 1 Clear the Fear.

Plain and simple, we avoid things that feel scary. Get clear about what frightens you about your dreams. Are you scared of rejection? Of failure? Of too much success? Of what other people will think?

First, write down everything that scares you. Next, take your time to focus on one at a time, tuning into the fear that you feel. Sometimes just bringing your fear to light is enough to help it dissipate. Deep breathing, and EFT Tapping will help to reduce the fear.

Step 2 Drop out of Negative Mind Chatter.

Mind chatter is distracting, and will pull you out of focus. When engaged, negative mind chatter can have the power to halt your progress. When you’re feeling down about yourself, it can feel tempting to drop everything and head out for a glass of wine, or a triple mocha latte. The key is to override the negative chatter.

One of my favorite methods to override negative chatter, is using the heart breath. The heart breath is a method of deep breathing in which you imagine you’re breathing through your heart. Your heart’s energy is more powerful than your brain’s, and will help to entrain your brain into a calmer, more productive state. By dropping out of your head, into your heart, you create a sense of overall peace that will help you get back into creative focus.

Click here for a free Heartbreath Meditation.

Step 3 Get Clear.

Often we sabotage ourselves because we’re not clear about what we really want.

It’s hard to feel motivated and productive when we’re working towards goals that aren’t right for us. It may seem like you’re going for your dreams, but maybe there’s something you’re not seeing.

When you feel like you’re getting nowhere, slow down and get clear. Perhaps you can take a different route towards your dream. Perhaps your dream can take on a completely different form, that’s even better. Sometimes we get so stuck in what we think we should do to reach our dreams, that we lose our passion. Passion and clarity is what drives success.

So to get clear, it’s imperative to listen to your heart. You can do this simply by closing your eyes, breathing deeply, and breathing in and out of your heart, as you would for the heart breath. As you’re breathing this way, ask yourself a question about your situation. Ask a question about your next best steps. Allow your heart to answer. Listen to my free training for more tips to get clear.

Step 4 Activate Your Success & Get Into Creative Your Flow

Once you’re feeling calm, clear, and focused, it’s time to take action. Taking small action steps is the best way to increase your motivation to do more. Write down a list of small steps you can take to reach your goals. And start stepping. You will a sense of success and motivation as you complete each step. This feeling will help you go further, and further. Keep adding to your list of actions steps, so you’re consistently activating your success.

Once you’ve got yourself going, it’s time to get into your creative flow. Creative flow happens when you stay with your work. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by leaving a project when it feels too hard. But, instead of leaving, when we stay with what’s uncomfortable, and allow higher guidance to come through, we are carried through the act of creation.

For more tips to stop self sabotage, listen to my Free Training: 4 Steps to Stop Self Sabotage and Ignite Your Success.

In Courage,

Marian