Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Let Go of Family Triggers So You Can Bring More Joy to Holiday Gatherings

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Family gatherings can be wonderful.  They can also trigger a host of uncomfortable feelings such as resentment, jealousy, anger, sadness, helplessness, etc.  No matter how old we are, or how many years have passed, it can sometimes feel as though we’re walking into a trance, where we  have no choice but to revert back to our old family roles.

Certainly, the healthier we are emotionally, the easier it is to navigate the family landscape.  We might even feel as though we’re ‘over’ whatever issues we faced in the past.  

But just in case any remnants of those old patterns and feelings get triggered, here are some tips to help your time with family feel easier, and more joyful.

Before You Go:

Try Ho’oponopono – Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian prayer that’s useful for forgiving old wounds. It can be used to clear resentments and negative feelings towards anyone, including family members.  To use Ho’oponopono, bring someone to mind, hold your hand over your heart, and repeat the words:  I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You, I Love You.  It doesn’t matter if you feel you were ‘wronged’ by this person.  By repeating this mantra, you will help yourself release negative feelings towards the person.

Send Love — There are a number of meditations which you can use to send love to your family members. You can use the heart breath meditation to create a field of heart energy which you imagine you are extending to family members.  Also effective is the Eco Meditation, created by Dawson Church.  In this meditation  you can imagine sending a beam of love and light to a family member.  To learn how to use the eco meditation, click here.

Use Creative Visualization – Use creative visualization before an event to imagine it going smoothly. Don’t be concerned with too many details.  Instead, imagine yourself feeling relaxed and happy.  Imagine peaceful conversations, and laughter.  This type of visualization will help you feel more relaxed about the event, and it will make it more likely that you will act in the way you desire, even if others don’t.

EFT Tapping – EFT Tapping is a wonderful tool to help reduce any anxiety you feel about a family event. In addition, EFT can be used to release specific feelings towards family members. For a video to learn how to use EFT Tapping click here.  For one-on-one guidance in EFT to assist you in navigating a family issues, contact me.

While You’re There

Focus on Beauty — Be truly present with your family, and your surroundings.  Show your heart-felt appreciation for any food, gifts, decorations, etc.  Take time to look at each family member and guest. Find something you admire, appreciate, love, like, or are willing to lovingly accept about each.

Don’t Engage with Drama — It’s easy to get triggered by family members, and it’s easy to react in an old, habitual way.  Remember that everyone, including your family members, has their own triggers.  Disengage with the need to react to someone else’s trigger, to avoid reverting to old reactive patterns.  Be mindful of these patterns.  When you feel triggered, or when someone else is triggered, notice the trigger, and allow the intensity of it to pass before responding.  This might mean stepping away for a moment, counting to ten, breathing deeply, or tapping.  Coming back to a place of inner peace will help you communicate in the kindest, most effective way. *See note below

Get Curious – It’s likely you usually feel most comfortable talking with certain family members over others. Step out of your comfort zone and reach out to those you tend to avoid.  Get curious about their lives.  Open your heart, and your ears, to listen to what they have to tell you.  Reach out to make the connection, instead of waiting for someone to do it first.

Honor your needs with self care. Finally, take care of yourself.  Family gatherings can be overwhelming.  Between the work, the anxiety, the emotions, the late hours, it’s easy to get overly saturated.  Especially if you’re a sensitive person.  Taking care of yourself might mean taking a walk outside, excusing yourself for a quick meditation, leaving early, or sitting quietly in a darkened room for a bit.  For extended gatherings, weave moments of self-care throughout. 

In Peace, Love, and Gratitude,

Marian

 

*For an abusive or volatile situation, emotional or physical, give yourself permission to decline the invitation, or leave early when necessary.  Seek help when needed.

 

Overcome Social Anxiety– Tips to Make it So Much Easier!

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Frequently my clients will talk about feeling anxious when meeting new people, or  participating in social situations.  I understand their anxiety.  And though I still deal with it, I have created ways to overcome it, so I can step into new situations with ease.

Social anxiety can be more acute for sensitive, empathic people. Consistently being attuned to how others are feeling can create a sense of overwhelm and discomfort.  In addition, sensitive people are more apt to worry about what other people think of them. This can easily trigger an ongoing mind-loop of anxious thoughts, which of course will make socializing even more difficult.

The key to overcoming social anxiety, is somewhat paradoxical.  The key is to both detach from what others are thinking, and at the same time, listen completely to what they are saying. 

We can’t ever truly know what a person is thinking.  However, when we listen carefully, we can understand deeply.  And people love to be understood.

Here are the steps which help me overcome my own anxiety:

Positive visualization.  Before the event, I sit down and visualize things going smoothly.  This is an important step, because we’re so often visualizing that things will go poorly. In my visualization I don’t get very detailed.  Instead, I visualize the scene filled with peace, laughter, and joy. I visualize, and sense, how I’d like to feel when I’m there.  This technique is amazingly helpful. It’s gotten me though interviews, corporate talks, workshops I’m hosting, holiday parties, and more.

EFT Tapping. Again, before the event, I do a few rounds of EFT Tapping.  I tune into any anxiety I might be feeling, and I tap.  This helps reduce cortisol, the major stress hormone.  Sometimes only 5 minutes of tapping will do the trick.  For more anxiety-provoking situations I might work on it longer, or get help from another practitioner.

Deep Breathing. Once you get to your event, remember to breathe deeply.  Check in with yourself to make sure you are breathing.  Shallow breathing, up high in your chest, will trigger a sense of stress. Deep breathing, from down in your belly, turns on the relaxation response.

Listen Deeply. When talking with someone at the event, someone you know, or someone you don’t, remember to listen deeply to what they are saying. Most people truly like to talk about themselves. And everyone loves to be heard and understood.  So, rather than stressing about what you should say, relax, and listen.  Drop out of your head, and allow yourself to tap into your intuitive flow.  Ask questions to learn more about the person you’re with.  This will help form a connection, and create an easier flow of communication.

Find Your People. Now, it’s definitely important to step out of your comfort zone to meet new people.  However, if you feel overwhelmed by social anxiety at first, it’s okay to start by spending time with just a few people, or even one person, with whom you feel comfortable.  The goal here, is not to use these people as a crutch, but rather to use deep listening, and question-asking, to help you build your confidence.  Get yourself going, and then step out to meet someone new.

Plan Your Exit – Often times it’s okay to leave early. It’s also okay to excuse yourself for a moment to go outside to get some air. Social events can be over-stimulating for anyone, especially a sensitive person. So, when appropriate, and if needed, plan an early exit. Bring your own car, or agree ahead of time on an exit time with whomever is driving. Just knowing you can leave early will help you relax and enjoy yourself.  And, if you’re truly okay, you might even want to stay longer than you planned.

By following these steps, you will help make socializing will feel easier and easier.  You’ll make a deeper connection with more people, and therefore feel comfortable around more people. You might even begin to crave social events.  I do, even though I still get anxious sometimes.

Need help calming your own social anxiety?  Contact me.

In Courage,

Marian

 

 

 

How To Get Back Up After You Fall Down

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Watching the Olympics, it’s easy to feel inspired. So many strong, able, beautiful bodies all in one place.  So many inspiring stories.  It motivates me to get my own body into really good shape.

But I, like most of us, am not even close to understanding what athletes go through to get to the Olympics in the first place.

We all know it’s a lot of work.  Pre-dawn wake-ups, hard-core work-outs, compromises, schedules, expenses, pain, injury, and rejection.

What we don’t know, because they’re too numerous to count, are how many times the athletes fell down.  In practice.  At competitions.  The first 100 or 1000 times they tried.

What we do see, however, after all the pain, are the phenomenal feats of athletes such as Skater Adam Rippon, Snowboarder Chloe Kim, Cross Country Skier Simen Kreuger, and so many others.  We see them when they’re at their best.  And, even then, sometimes they fall, and then they get back up again. 

And of course, there’s Shaun White, who, after failing to medal in 2014, and after a horrific crash in the Fall of 2017, got back up again to win the Gold in 2018!

What brings these athletes to the Olympics is not only their enormous talent and skill, but their ability to persevere — to get back up after falling — and continue on, right where they left off.

I fall down when I get some sort of rejection in my business.  Or when I create an idea for a workshop that just doesn’t fly. Or when I find myself neglecting my work, my health, or my family.

Where do you fall down?  What do you do to get back up?

Of course, it hurts to fall down. And the more we fall, the worse it can feel!  And, if we’re sensitive or perfectionistic, it might feel almost unbearable.  But each time we fall, we’re presented once again, with the chance to get back up and do it even better the next time.

Here are some tips to help you get back up again:

Accept mistakes and misfortunes as part of the game.  It’s not about something being wrong with you. Or even that you did something wrong. The more you swim around in feelings of defeat, the more defeated you will feel. Allow yourself to begin to let go of your perception that mistakes and ‘failures’ are wrong.  Instead, remind yourself that each misstep is actually a stepping stone towards your goal.

Surround yourself with love and acceptance.  Give yourself some much-needed love at those times when you’re feeling down and defeated. Hug yourself, literally, by wrapping your arms across your chest, holding the points above your elbows. Close your eyes, and hold yourself like this, breathing deeply, and imagine a field of love and compassion all around you.

Feel your uncomfortable feelings, and then let them go.  It’s okay to feel sad, angry, disappointed, ashamed, frustrated, or scared when you lose your footing.  Embrace these feelings, and then let them release. Holding onto them, or resisting them, will only make them stronger in the end.  Try deep breathing, meditation, or EFT Tapping to clear away your uncomfortable feelings.

Use your experience as guidance for your next step.  What can you learn from your fall?  What can you do differently next time?  Is there a different way to prepare?  Do you have inner blocks or doubts you need to release?  Assess your situation, take action, and move forward.

Use Creative Visualization.  Visualization is a very popular tool among athletes. Often, you’ll notice that an athlete appears to be going over her routine in her mind, right before a performance. This visual rehearsing helps the subconscious mind remember what to do, automatically.  When done consistently, visualization will teach the subconscious mind a new pattern, and the ‘thinking’ brain (with all its fears and limitations) can take a rest.

Reach out for support.  One thing is very clear.  Athletes need the support of their coaches, teammates, friends, and family.  A healthy source of support can help minimize the effects of failure. If you’re feeling unsupported, reach out to a friend, family member, or professional. The right support will help you feel encouraged, so you can build and strengthen your sense of value, confidence, and courage.

What I love about EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting, is that they’re such amazing tools to help when we’ve fallen down. EFT helps to release uncomfortable feelings, and increase a sense of peace and calm. Matrix Reimprinting uses the creative mind to overwrite an old limiting vision with a brand new, positive vision. Invaluable tools to help us get back up again.  Contact me to learn more.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

How to Shine When You Feel Like Hiding

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As I write this, it’s the first week of January, 2018.  Time to get back into the swing of work.  A new stretch of life beyond the overload of the past year.

Emerging from the bliss of vacation time, the comfort of hibernation, or the avoidance of reality, can feel enormously difficult.  I know the struggle all too well. Stepping out of hiding can feel scary.

But, as scary as it is, sooner or later our hiding places get stale, and uncomfortable, and we’re presented yet again with the decision to go deeper into hiding, or step out and shine.

I know the seduction of a comfortable hiding place. I also know the danger of staying too long. I’ve had to re-emerge into life too many times to count.

The good news is, it can be easier than you think to awaken your spirit from its slumber. Here are the ways I’ve found to help myself awaken and emerge into a place of shining:

Cleanse Your System –  Cleansing your system will help wake up your spirit.  Ease off sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and wheat. Drink lots of water, eat plenty of green veggies, and increase your consumption of probiotic foods.  Detoxifying sea vegetables, miso, and green tea will help you shift your tastebuds towards healthy food choices.  Salt baths will help detoxify your system.  

Get Comfortable Feeling Uncomfortable — Be present with yourself as you move through your day. Notice when and where you have the urge to hide, or avoid something.  Instead of hiding, or avoiding, stay with your feelings, or release them, using one of the techniques mentioned below.  Keep moving forward.  Action will help dispel your discomfort, and increase your courage to stretch even further.

Clear Your Energy — Use energy tools such as EFT Tapping, Meditation, Heart Breath, Yoga, Qigong, and Reiki, to clear unwanted feelings. Often, we can feel overloaded by other people’s needs and negative energy. Combine this with our own stuck emotions, and it can feel impossible to move forward. These energy techniques will help you cleanse and strengthen your energy, making it easier, and more enjoyable to shine.

Ignite your Passion – Read, watch, listen, do, whatever it is that lights you up.  Be vigilant about maintaining fuel for your fire. Often, in hiding, we allow our inner flame to become nearly extinguished, making it difficult to emerge. Special attention to your unique creative expression and desire is necessary to re-ignite your passion and inner power.

Use Creative Visualization — Sit quietly, close your eyes, and breath deeply. Imagine a ball of golden light (or any color you desire) over the top of your head.  Allow this light to flow down into and around your body. See the light cleansing and releasing whatever needs to go.  Notice that as the light cleanses you, your inherent brilliance begins to emerge. Allow the light to radiate beyond your body, forming a beautiful field of your personal essence all around you. Stay with hthis visualization as long as you like.  Emerge with the sense that you’re radiating your inner light.

Step Forward and Shine– Start where you feel safe and encouraged, whatever this means for you. Stretch from there, in the direction that feels best for you. Choose your pace. Choose your style.  Just keep moving forward.

We need your light!

In Courage,

Marian

I’d love to help you emerge from hiding.  Contact me to learn more about how EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting can help you re-ignite your passion, power, and courage. 

Growing Self Love

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I’m amazed sometimes, by the number of friends and clients, who profess that they don’t love themselves.  Or, that they would like to love themselves, but it feels too hard, or they just don’t know how.  

And when I take a real good look at myself, usually during times of meditation, I notice all the ways in which I’m holding back my own self-love.

Why is it so hard to love ourselves?  Perhaps because we’re all good students, and we took to heart all the many criticisms and nasties thrown at us throughout our lives.  We’re taught to be nice to others, but not to ourselves.  And, many of us were taught that self-love is egotistical, and just plain wrong.

But what I believe, from my experience, and  from what I’ve witnessed with my clients, is that the best way to express authentic love and compassion for others, is to first love ourselves.

Self-love is what will help you take better care of yourself.  It will help you navigate the world with more confidence and courage.  It will help you stop procrastinating, so you can get more done.  It will help you create boundaries to keep you safe.  Self-love is the one elixir we cannot thrive without.

As important as it is however, self-love is often pushed to the far back burner of our lives. 

To consistently tap into feelings of self-love, it’s crucial to create rituals and routines which will help you.  And because self love might be a somewhat foreign concept, repetition is essential. Following are some of my personal favorites.

Here are some ways to grow self-love:

Acknowledge Yourself.  Write down a list of personal qualities and attributes you like or love about yourself.  For example, “I love the way I get up early in the morning” or “I love my kindness”, or “I love the way I am with animals”, or “I love the way I listen to others”.  Write down as many authentic qualities/attributes as possible. Keep this list handy and read it to yourself daily.  Add to it frequently.

Spend 5 Minutes Meditating on Loving Yourself.  Set a timer for 5 minutes.  Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and begin to scan your body, contemplating your love for your hands, your feet, your mouth, etc.  As you do this, consider the ways in which your body helps you. (Don’t focus on how it looks.) Next, allow yourself to feel love for your heart, your digestive system,  your reproductive system, your lungs, your skin and your brain. Follow this with love for your intuition, your kindness, your sense of compassion, and any other personal qualities that come to mind.  Experiment with this technique by doing it daily for 1 week or more, and adjust as feels right for you.

Write a letter to yourself from a younger, or older self.  Sometimes it helps to view yourself from a different angle.  Write a letter from a younger self, describing the ways all she loves you.  Write a letter from an older self with words of compassion and encouragement.

Use EFT Tapping.  EFT Tapping can be very helpful to release unwanted emotions and negative mind chatter.  When we’re feeling anxious, sad, angry, or irritated, it’s hard to feeling loving towards ourselves, or others. If you’re familiar with the tapping points, focus on an unwanted feeling, while tapping on the points. This will help release the feeling.  If you’d like to learn more about EFT Tapping, contact me.  For an illustrated diagram of the tapping points, click here.

Visualize Yourself In A Field of Unconditional Love.  Here’s a visualization adapted from a technique I use with my Matrix Reimprinting clients.   Close your eyes.  Imagine you are standing in a field.  Allow the field to fill with Divine Unconditional Love – whatever way you choose to see it.  Allow yourself to be caressed and nurtured by this love. Allow yourself to feel the gentle compassion of unconditional love, that notices nothing but your inherent beauty.  Stay here as long as you like

Take Care of your Body.  The better you take care of yourself, the better you’ll feel about yourself.  Eat a nourishing, healthy diet.  Get plenty of rest.  Drink lots of water.  Get regular exercise.  Meditate.  As needed, or as afforded, schedule yourself for massage, chiropractic, reiki, EFT tapping, or any other body-mind modality that will assist you in feeling the best you can feel.

Lots of Love,

Marian