Name: Leslie Goldman
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What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

February 16, 2022 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

Sabotage is tricky. It’s seductive. It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out. Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others. It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness. And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more. The pull is sometimes too strong to resist. Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again. Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection. It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more. Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding. In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences. Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing.

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences. For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed or teased by family members. This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough. A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing. He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work, or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable. Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection. For example, she might avoid or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation. All to protect against the pain of criticism.

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children. Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief. When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors. As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings. It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing. Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns. The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place. Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.

Suggestions for going deeper:

Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional. EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage. Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors. You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness. It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more. No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within. It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian

Overcome Procrastination

April 28, 2017 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

Now Or Later Signpost Shows Delay Deadlines And Urgency

Procrastination makes easy things hard, hard things harder. ~ Mason Cooley

Procrastination just doesn’t feel good. Period. Right now, just think about something you’re avoiding doing. How does it feel when you think about what you’re not doing. If you’re like most of us, thinking about what you’re not doing, but should be doing, can trigger feelings of guilt, anxiety, and lots of self-judgement. Problem is, when you get mired all those negative feelings, it’s difficult to get anything done!

What’s important is getting clear about the reason why you’re procrastinating in the first place. Is it because you’re afraid of the outcome? Or that it’s too hard? Too complicated? Are you afraid of making a mistake? Are you afraid that you won’t succeed? Or that you will succeed?

Most times, fear and uncertainty are underlying ingredients of procrastination. We avoid what we don’t know, what feels uncomfortable or scary.

So get clear. Get clear about what you’re avoiding doing. Get clear about the feelings that get triggered because you are procrastinating. And, get clear about the feelings you are trying to avoid by procrastinating.

Here are some suggestions to help you move forward:

Focus on the benefits of doing the thing you’re avoiding. What would happen if you did it? How good would you feel? What else could you do as a result of taking this first step? Set your imagination free and imagine all of the good-feeling benefits you’ll experience once you take action.

Start Small. – One reason we procrastinate is that we tend to look at the subject of our procrastination as if it’s a great big scary monster. It looks too hard, too complicated, too overwhelming, too impossible to tackle. So, to counter this tendency, look instead at the one small step you can take in the direction you’ve been avoiding. One small step, and then another and another, keeps you moving forward. That’s all it takes.

Enrich Your Environment — Sometimes we procrastinate because we dread the experience of the task we’re avoiding. For example, you might dread paying the bills, doing your taxes, writing a report, doing household chores, etc. To make these tasks more enjoyable, enrich your environment with music or an interesting podcast, a special drink or treat, and even some aromatherapy. Or, take your work to a café, or a cooperative work-space. And be sure to get as comfortable as possible. Enrich your environment, and you’ll enrich your experience and your chances for success. You might even enjoy yourself!

Let Go of Resistance — When we resist a specific action or activity, we’re vulnerable to making it feel far more difficult than it really is. By moving forward in non-resistance, we accept ourchallenges without making them harder. Not everything feels pleasurable. Some things feel uncomfortable and even painful. When we let go of resisting the unpleasantness of an action, we’re more equipped to handle it.

Increase Your Knowledge — We often avoid what we don’t know how to do. So, if there’s something you’d like to do, but are avoiding, increase your knowledge about it. Find out what you need to know to move towards desired goal. Oftentimes, just the activity of researching your goal will peak your interest, and inspire you to take action. ( Be sure, however, to avoid overly researching your goal, since this can lead to even more procrastination.)

Release Fear – Fear is probably one of the biggest underlying factors of procrastination. If fear is an issue for you, first get clear about the fear you feel when it comes to your procrastination. Once you’re clear about your fear, you can use EFT Tapping, Heart Breath, or deep breathing to help it release. Contact me for more information on using EFT Tapping and the Heart Breath.

Click Here for a complimentary tapping audio to help you overcome procrastination.

In Courage,

Marian

3 Places Fear Loves to Hide & What to Do About It!

July 8, 2016 by Marian Buck-Murray Leave a Comment

Not only do we hide from fear, but fear also hides from us, waiting to pounce and sabotage our best efforts in business and creative projects. Here are some of the places where fear loves to hide.

Procrastination –

An all-time-favorite hiding place for fear. When a job or task feels scary, it might feel easy and even natural to avoid it. Unfortunately, habitual avoidance = procrastination.

Procrastination takes you on the ultimate guilt-trip. We blame ourselves for being lazy, and this feeling of laziness leads to more of the same. A soul-sucking cycle for sure.

Instead, what if the next time you find yourself procrastinating, you simply take a moment to notice what you’re feeling inside. Take a look at the activity you’re avoiding. Ask yourself why you’re avoiding it. Notice any fear that arises. Next, try one of the methods listed below to help calm your fear.

Over Busyness –

Busyness may seem like the opposite of procrastination, but not always. Keeping yourself overly busy, with tasks unrelated to your creative projects, might mean you’re avoiding something scary.

It can feel very scary to expand our talents and creativity. Conversely, it can feel much safer to keep busy with busywork, volunteer work, housework, etc. And then, before you know it, there’s no time left over for your dream.

The next time you find yourself busy with everything but your business or creative work, get clear on what you’re avoiding. Decide upon one quick step you can take towards the project you’re avoiding. Build your momentum with quick, small actions that won’t stress your overly-busy life.

Indecision —

How many times have you felt stuck in indecision, when it feels impossible to make the right decision? Or desperately muddled, unable to see any clear choice of action. It’s frustrating, for sure.

It’s important to know that indecision often points to a fear of clarity. Or rather, a fear of what you know needs doing. Getting clear might mean making a scary decision, such as leaving a job, starting a new business, scrapping an idea, or taking some sort of risk.

When you’re feeling besieged by indecision and anxiety about your next best steps, relax. Clarity comes most easily when you’re relaxed. When you’re feeling more relaxed, get clear on what you really want. Then take a step in that direction. Allow your intuition to guide you each step of the way. Try one of the techniques below to help yourself relax.

Three Methods to Help Calm Your Fears:

Deep Breathing – Slow, deep breathing helps to oxygenate your blood, and facilitates better brain function. Deep breathing also helps stimulate the para-sympathetic nervous system, to create a calm state of being.

EFT Tapping – EFT Tapping helps reduce cortisol, the major stress hormone released when we’re in fear. Using EFT tapping when you’re feeling fear, helps to reduce the intensity of the fear, and can often neutralize it. Click here for more information on EFT Tapping. To learn more about using EFT Tapping to reduce fear and anxiety, contact me.

Heart Breath – The Heart Breath is another form of deep breathing where you imagine that you’re breathing in and out through your heart. It’s a fabulous technique to help you move out of a fearful, busy mind, into the wisdom of your heart. Click here for a free audio meditation.

Find that fear, clear it, and do it anyway!

In Courage,

Marian

Free workshop for solopreneurs, entrepreneurs, and creatives: Overcome Your Fear of Shining in Your Business, So You Can Do What You Love. Click here for the download.

4 Steps to Conquer Procrastination

July 27, 2015 by Marian Buck-Murray 2 Comments

Procrastination.

We all do it. Believe me, I KNOW how easy it is to avoid the things I absolutely MUST do.

Sometimes I procrastinate because I have a million ideas swirling around in my head, and I just don’t know where to start.

Then there’s my to-do list– weighed-down with those pesky undone tasks that never get checked off the list. I can feel it getting heavier by the minute.

To be honest, I’m so good at procrastinating that I needed to follow my own tips when it came to writing this blog.

Here they are: 4 steps to conquer procrastination. Apply whenever you’re feeling stuck. Rinse and repeat….

1. Get Clear— It’s hard to get things done when you’re not clear about what needs doing. In order to get clear, it’s crucial to reduce anxiety and tension. Anxiety and tension will muddle your mind — high cortisol (major stress hormone) drains blood from the thinking part of your brain.

Meditate before tackling big projects. Meditation will help calm and focus your mind.
Try deep breathing, yoga, or EFT Tapping to reduce stress and anxiety.
Work from a space of relaxed, focused energy to boost clarity and efficiency.

2. Clear Resistance — Even when you KNOW what you need to do, you might be avoiding it. Often, resistance occurs when we feel like something is too hard, or too complicated. To help clear resistance, make it easier for yourself. Here are some suggestions:

Create a short list of tasks and schedule them.
Divide complex tasks into easier small steps.
When working on a task, eliminate distractions to promote easy focus.
Set a timer for an allotted amount of time. Stop working when the timer goes off.

3. Clear Fear – Fears of failure, rejection, or even success, can sabotage efforts to achieve your goals. Here are tips to help you increase your confidence.

Stay present, and focus on one step at a time. Focus will help diminish, or even eliminate, fear.
Embrace mistakes, and know you will learn from them.
Bring to mind your unique reasons for accomplishing your goals – let go of what others think.
Use EFT Tapping to clear feelings of fear. Contact me to learn more.

4. Tap Into Your Flow – Increase feelings of self-trust and competence to accomplish your to-do list more easily. Here are some suggestions.

Bring to mind the good feelings from previous accomplishments. Start from this place of positive energy.
Visualize yourself accomplishing your task. Imagine how good it will feel.
Build momentum by knocking off a series of small tasks.
Use empowering affirmations. (I know I can do this. I’m smart. I have talent..) Try this with EFT Tapping, for more powerful results.

Above all, have compassion for yourself. Any form of procrastination is a call for deeper understanding and acceptance of yourself. This doesn’t mean giving in to procrastination. It means acknowledging your feelings, and helping yourself release them.

Once you’re clear of old fears and resistance, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can move forward.

Click here for access to a free Mp3 “Getting Unstuck” with guided tapping to help you get unstuck and get started. If you’d like to go deeper with EFT to conquer your procrastination, contact me.

Be Well!

Marian