Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Make Friends with Fear

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Halloween — a month-long celebration of spooks.  The kids on my street decorate early, with skeletons lazing in front yards, spiders poking out from curbside gardens, dangerous looking pumpkins standing guard on front porches.  Neighboring streets have spooky graveyards, inflated black cats,  sound machines, you name it.  All in fun…and of course the prospect of trick-or-treating always helps to soothe fearful feelings.  

Why then, can it feel so hard to celebrate the fears that arise daily? The fears that stop us in our tracks.  The fears that keep us small? 

How do we actually make friends with fear? The answers, fortunately, are numerous:   Feel it.  Sit with it.  Understand it.  Stay with it.  Heal it.

Here are some steps to help fear feel more friendly:

Understand it. The more you sit with your fear, the more you’ll be able to see underneath it.  Often our fears stem from a younger place within us.  A time when we were scared, perhaps with no one to help us.  The longer you observe your fear, the more information you will receive to help it heal.

Bring compassion. Compassion for your fear is crucial.  Rather than making your fear ‘wrong’, approach it with a sense of compassion.  Imagine a child who feels afraid.  How would you respond to this child?  With a hug? Reassurance? Love?

Ask yourself what you need in this moment to feel more courageous. Do you need some friendly encouragement?  Assistance or guidance of some sort?  Do you need more information?  When you know what you need, take action to give yourself what you need.

Recognize fear as a friend who wants to keep you safe. Fear is a natural aspect of your biological fight/flight/freeze response.  Although your fear might feel inappropriate for the scope of your circumstances, it is triggered by the part of the brain tasked with keeping you safe.  Often, this response has been conditioned by previous experiences.  Accepting this will make it easier for you to add space between you and your fear, recognizing that it stems from a conditioned, habitual response, not an actual danger. 

Relate to your fear in the moment. Most times our fears are related to past experiences, or future worries.  Getting clear with fear in the moment will help you become more centered.  Rather than being consumed by a scary mind-story — get present and real with your fear.  With practice, you’ll begin to see fear as a feeling, and nothing more.  Remember:  If the fear is true fear, warning you of true danger, you’ll respond most effectively grounded in the present moment.

Meditate. Consistent, daily meditation helps your brain become more effective during times of stress.  It helps facilitate easier access to the relaxation response.  It helps you disentangle from the emotions that seem to control you.  If you’re new to meditation, start with short periods of time.  Even 5 minutes. Gradually build your endurance so that you can sit for longer and longer amounts of time.  Remember, it’s okay that you don’t feel ‘bliss’ right away.  Sitting with your fear, will help it begin to dissipate.  It’s this patience observance of your feelings that helps them transform.

Use EFT Tapping.  EFT Tapping helps neutralize fear, and other painful emotions.   EFT has been clinically proven to reduce cortisol, the major stress hormone, which is elevated during times of fear.  By reducing cortisol, you turn on the relaxation response, allowing your nervous system to relax.  For a video on how to use EFT tapping, click here.

The bottom line:  Making friends with your fear might just be one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever give yourself!

In Courage,

Marian

Need help with fear and anxiety?  Contact me.

How To Get Back Up After You Fall Down

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Watching the Olympics, it’s easy to feel inspired. So many strong, able, beautiful bodies all in one place.  So many inspiring stories.  It motivates me to get my own body into really good shape.

But I, like most of us, am not even close to understanding what athletes go through to get to the Olympics in the first place.

We all know it’s a lot of work.  Pre-dawn wake-ups, hard-core work-outs, compromises, schedules, expenses, pain, injury, and rejection.

What we don’t know, because they’re too numerous to count, are how many times the athletes fell down.  In practice.  At competitions.  The first 100 or 1000 times they tried.

What we do see, however, after all the pain, are the phenomenal feats of athletes such as Skater Adam Rippon, Snowboarder Chloe Kim, Cross Country Skier Simen Kreuger, and so many others.  We see them when they’re at their best.  And, even then, sometimes they fall, and then they get back up again. 

And of course, there’s Shaun White, who, after failing to medal in 2014, and after a horrific crash in the Fall of 2017, got back up again to win the Gold in 2018!

What brings these athletes to the Olympics is not only their enormous talent and skill, but their ability to persevere — to get back up after falling — and continue on, right where they left off.

I fall down when I get some sort of rejection in my business.  Or when I create an idea for a workshop that just doesn’t fly. Or when I find myself neglecting my work, my health, or my family.

Where do you fall down?  What do you do to get back up?

Of course, it hurts to fall down. And the more we fall, the worse it can feel!  And, if we’re sensitive or perfectionistic, it might feel almost unbearable.  But each time we fall, we’re presented once again, with the chance to get back up and do it even better the next time.

Here are some tips to help you get back up again:

Accept mistakes and misfortunes as part of the game.  It’s not about something being wrong with you. Or even that you did something wrong. The more you swim around in feelings of defeat, the more defeated you will feel. Allow yourself to begin to let go of your perception that mistakes and ‘failures’ are wrong.  Instead, remind yourself that each misstep is actually a stepping stone towards your goal.

Surround yourself with love and acceptance.  Give yourself some much-needed love at those times when you’re feeling down and defeated. Hug yourself, literally, by wrapping your arms across your chest, holding the points above your elbows. Close your eyes, and hold yourself like this, breathing deeply, and imagine a field of love and compassion all around you.

Feel your uncomfortable feelings, and then let them go.  It’s okay to feel sad, angry, disappointed, ashamed, frustrated, or scared when you lose your footing.  Embrace these feelings, and then let them release. Holding onto them, or resisting them, will only make them stronger in the end.  Try deep breathing, meditation, or EFT Tapping to clear away your uncomfortable feelings.

Use your experience as guidance for your next step.  What can you learn from your fall?  What can you do differently next time?  Is there a different way to prepare?  Do you have inner blocks or doubts you need to release?  Assess your situation, take action, and move forward.

Use Creative Visualization.  Visualization is a very popular tool among athletes. Often, you’ll notice that an athlete appears to be going over her routine in her mind, right before a performance. This visual rehearsing helps the subconscious mind remember what to do, automatically.  When done consistently, visualization will teach the subconscious mind a new pattern, and the ‘thinking’ brain (with all its fears and limitations) can take a rest.

Reach out for support.  One thing is very clear.  Athletes need the support of their coaches, teammates, friends, and family.  A healthy source of support can help minimize the effects of failure. If you’re feeling unsupported, reach out to a friend, family member, or professional. The right support will help you feel encouraged, so you can build and strengthen your sense of value, confidence, and courage.

What I love about EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting, is that they’re such amazing tools to help when we’ve fallen down. EFT helps to release uncomfortable feelings, and increase a sense of peace and calm. Matrix Reimprinting uses the creative mind to overwrite an old limiting vision with a brand new, positive vision. Invaluable tools to help us get back up again.  Contact me to learn more.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

Courage Experiment Part 2

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A stone with a courage word isolated on a white background

Here’s Part 2 of the Courage Experiment.  I’ve got 3 more tips to help you boost your courage.  I’m experimenting with these too.  I’ll be back to share my results.  If you missed part 1, click here.

Expand Your Knowledge – Many times we’re scared of what we don’t know or understand.  By increasing your knowledge about a particular area, you will increase your confidence and courage to explore areas you might previously have avoided.  You can do this with anything.  Your work.  Politics.  People. Travel. Art.  You name it. 

Incremental Exposure – Little by little, expose yourself to the thing that you fear.  Choose something you really want to experience, but that you’re scared to do.  What can you do, what tiny step can you take, that will get you just a little bit closer?  And a little closer after that.  And even closer?

Enter a state of non-resistance.  – Courage can be tough to muster when we’re dreading doing something.  Resistance, however, can make something feel so much more challenging.   Choose an area where you’re in resistance, and practice letting go of the resistance.  See what happens when you accept the challenge, no matter the discomfort, and allow yourself to be present with whatever happens.

Here’s is an update on some results my experiments with the tips from Part 1 of the Courage Experiment.  To read that post, click here.

Embracing my Fear —  oh, let’s just say, the political scene has been just a tad scary in the last few months.  When I get particularly triggered, by that and by anything else going on in my life, I’ve done quite a bit of embracing.  Sometimes the embrace turns into a short meditation.  Just dropping into this peaceful place allows me to connect with the deeper, more courageous part of my soul, and then I’m back in the game.

Admitting my Fears to a Friend ––  Yup, been doing more of this too.  It feels good to let go of even more of my long-ago-wired in  “all is well” façade.  And poof, like magic, giving voice to my fears with a trusted friend, automatically makes them far less scary.

Don’t Engage with Drama —  I’ve been catching myself, more and more, each time I dive into the drama of ‘there won’t be enough..”  or “It will never work…”  Instead,  I’ve been creating new visions for myself, and I’ve been practicing engaging with the scenes that feel much better.

To find out how to use EFT Tapping, or Matrix Reimprinting to boost your courage, contact me.

In Courage,

Marian

 

 

Courage Experiment Part 1

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Do not be afraid to experiment - handwriting on a napkin with a cup of espresso coffee

About a month ago I got the idea for a last minute workshop.  It was one of those ideas that felt so important, so urgent, so motivating, that I knew I had to do it.

I was recovering from a very long bout of a persistent cough and general malaise.  I needed something to pull me out of my slump.

The Courage Experiment promised just what I needed.

As I mentioned, it was last minute.  I was determined to offer the workshop in April, and it turned out that the only feasible date was on a Tuesday evening, immediately following the Easter/Passover Holidays.

And just like that, I was faced with one of my persistent fears:

What if NOBODY shows up?

Ugh.  My old insecurities cringing at the sight of that one thought.

And that’s exactly when I knew I had to do it.  I had to do it because I was afraid.  This is, after all, the Courage Experiment.  And because it felt so right, I knew I had the drive to do it, no matter who showed up.

I  ended up giving the workshop to a lively group of 3 people. More had signed up, but weren’t able to come.  It was a wonderful and powerful workshop, and it felt so good to express our fears and our courage in a such a supportive group. (This too, BTW is an experiment with courage — I’m resisting the urge to tell you that my audience was larger. )

I created a handout for the workshop, full of actionable courage-boosting tips.  Here, are three of the tips I’m experimenting with now.  I’ll be back soon with Part 2, and more tips. (And, I’ll also share the results from my own experiment.)

1. Embrace Your Fear – Ahh. This one can be tricky, but very powerful.  Our fear is usually coming from a much younger place within.  Embracing this part of yourself will help you feel more supported.  So, next time you’re faced with fear, pause to acknowledge your fear and imagine sending love and compassion to your fear.  Sometimes just pausing with this intention is enough to release fear. With practice, it becomes habit.

2.  Admit to your Fears with a Friend – It can take a lot of courage to admit we’re afraid.  Fear loves to hide in secrecy.  Sharing your fears with an understanding friend or counselor will usually help dispel some of the fear.  Sometimes it just feels so damn good to get it out into the open!

3. Don’t Engage the Drama–  By-pass worst-case scenarios.  We never know what’s going to happen, so why imagine the scariest possibilities? Fear feeds on drama, and will multiply the more we engage.  Practice stepping away from the drama, and imagining better-feeling scenarios.

Remember, the idea here is to EXPERIMENT with these ideas.  Courage needs to be nourished and cultivated in order to truly shine.

Contact me if you’d like to learn how to use EFT Tapping To Boost Your Courage.

In Courage,

Marian

 

 

4 Steps to Stop Fear in Its Tracks

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Woman finger pushing domino of red fear word falling, isolated on white.

Fear.  I know it well.  As a solopreneur, I frequently face fear when I think about what I can do to grow my business. Fear can easily stop me from taking productive action —  if I let it.

Whatever type of work you do, whether it’s for your job, your business, your home, your family, or your creative life, fear can have the power to stop you in your tracks.  It might stop you from starting a creative project, or exploring a new opportunity.  It might hold you back from promoting yourself and your business.  It might keep you stuck and unable to move forward.

Whichever way fear gets in your way, it’s important to take steps to manage your fear, before it has the chance to stop you.

Here are 4 Steps to Stop Fear in Its Tracks, before it stops you.

Step 1 Recognize when you’re in fear, or hiding from fear.  Recognize what fear does to your body and mind. Recognize how it tries to influence your actions.  Once you’ve recognized your fear, get as clear as you can about the target of your fear, in other words, what are you really afraid of?

(BTW– Fear loves to hide, read more about  its 3 favorite hiding places. )

Step 2 Embrace your fear.  The majority of fear comes from past experiences.  One of my clients is a talented singer, but was fearful of singing in public.  This was a result of a childhood experience when someone made fun of her. By embracing the younger, very disappointed place within her, she was able to release her fear.  She now performs regularly on a variety of stages.

So next time you’re feeling fearful about doing something bigger and bolder, embrace yourself with compassion.  Allow yourself to sense the younger part of yourself that may have felt afraid or hurt in a similar situation.  You may notice that a mix of emotions come up.

Step 3  Release the Fear.  EFT Tapping is a quick, effective way to release fear.  Anything that helps to lower cortisol, such as deep breathing, yoga, and meditation will also help. Below, at the bottom of this post, you’ll find a brief tapping EFT audio to help you release fear.

Step 4  Activate Your Courage.  The final step in the 4-step process is to activate your courage.  Once  you’ve used a technique such as EFT to release your fear, you’ll feel more relaxed.  This is the best time to take action.  Taking action will help you develop your courage.

Right now, decide on 2-3 small action steps you will take in the next week to help you move forward.  Get your momentum going, and your courage will grow.

Below is the Tapping for Fear audio. This audio includes a brief EFT tapping round to help you release fear around a creative or business-related project.   If you’re new to EFT Tapping,  click here for illustrated instructions.

 

 

In Courage,

Marian

FREE TRAINING:  Overcome the Fear of Shining in Your Business So You can Do What You Love. Click here for download.