Marian Buck Murray

EFT and IFS for Sensitive, Creative People. Empower yourself self-compassion and deep understanding.

Shadow Talk

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I’m all about befriending our shadows.  It’s part of my self-care practice and a big part of my work with clients.  And, as a person who used to be terrified of my own shadows, I am so thankful I’ve learned how to make friends.  It’s helped me feel so much lighter, happier, and free to truly be myself.  What’s more, it has helped me unravel old, stuck, sabotaging patterns which have interfered with my success.

One practice I do on a regular basis is talk with my shadows.  I find that when I get to know them on a deeper level, I discover the clues to a specific challenge I might be experiencing.  For example, a shadow of my Unmotivated Teen might come up when I think about doing the work in front of me.   This shadow might urge me to zone out and avoid my work.  Obviously it’s hard to get my best work done when there’s a shadow urging me to avoid it.  So, rather than shunning this shadow, I take the time to learn more about it, and everything changes.

Here’s how to strike up a conversation with your own shadows:

When you notice a limiting pattern coming up for you, perhaps a self-sabotaging pattern, pause.  Notice the emotions you’re feeling.  Notice what you are being urged to do or not do. Notice how young you feel.  As best you can, form a picture in your mind of a character (human or other) which represents this limiting pattern.

Approach this character as if it’s a shadow within you.  You might want to give it a name. Do your best to cultivate a sense of curiosity, with the intent to be accepting and non-judgemental. 

Here are some sample questions you might want to ask.  For each question, pause, listen, and tune in to the answers that come up.

  • Can you tell me more about why you’re here right now?
  • What’s going on for you, what are you feeling?
  • Is there something you’d like me to understand about you?
  • What would help you feel better?
  • What do you need?
  • Is there anything else you want to tell me?se

You can take this conversation deeper by using a journal to dialogue with your shadow.  Create back and forth journal entries between you and your shadow.  Ask questions, stay curious, invite your shadow to answer the questions. 

No matter how you do it, the practice of conversing with your shadows is powerful.   It encourages self-forgiveness, and resolution of inner conflict.  It makes it easy to bring compassion and understanding to the shadowy, dark places within.  It’s informative and transformative.  It’s something, once you get going, that you’ll likely want to come back to, again and again. 

Peace,

Marian

NOTE:  If you’re dealing with trauma, or feel that your pain is unbearable, reach out to a professional who can assist you with this practice.  Contact me to learn more about using EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to work with your shadows.

What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

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Sabotage is tricky.  It’s seductive.  It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out.  Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others.  It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness.  And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more.  The pull is sometimes too strong to resist.  Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again.  Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection.  It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more.  Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.  

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding.  In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences.  Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing. 

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences.  For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed  or teased by family members.  This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough.  A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing.  He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work,  or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable.  Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection.  For example, she might avoid  or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation.  All to protect against the pain of criticism. 

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children.  Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief.  When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors.  As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings.  It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing.  Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns.  The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place.  Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.  

Suggestions for going deeper:

  • Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
  • Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
  • Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
  • Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional.  EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage.  Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors.  You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness.  It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more.   No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within.  It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.   

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian

 

Accept Where You Are & Move Forward

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With January comes a fresh start.  A new year.  And all of those well-intentioned plans to change something about our lives.  It’s well known, however, that by the time February rolls around, many of us have managed to neglect, or even forget, our best-laid plans.   The pain of this ‘failure’ to reach our goals can often lead us into even more self sabotage.

In my experience, both personally, and professionally, we often start with steps that are simply too big to follow.  Sometimes, based on what we’ve heard, read, or seen, we believe we have to make big strides in order to reach our goals.  It’s great to dream big.  However, our eager big strides often throw us so far out of our comfort zones, that we scramble back to the safety of sabotage.  Or, perhaps they’re so big that we never muster the courage to get started.

Self sabotage, of course, is often, if not always, tied to the desire to stay safe and comfortable. It acts as a form of self-protection.  So, rather than beating yourself up for failing to stick to an exercise routine, or get that project finished, send yourself some compassion.  Realize that continued sabotage is a call to look deeper into why it feels safer to sabotage than move forward.  You may want to ask a professional to help you uncover the deeper issues that may be keeping you stuck.

The belief that it’s not okay to be where we are often leads us to seek quick fixes.  The problem with quick fixes is that they rarely work. We usually fall back to where we started, or even further back, when we fail to make quick progress.  This just breeds more dissatisfaction with ourselves, which can trigger unhealthy coping behaviors, seeking yet another quick fix, or giving up completely.

As hard as it is, when we accept where we are, warts and all, we can begin to take the appropriate steps to move forward.  We can ask for help where we need help.  We can commit to activities which are most beneficial for our current situation.   What’s more, we can clarify what works for us, and what doesn’t.

Often it’s the slow, consistent path that’s actually the fastest route to our goal.  When we’re able to commit to a doable plan, we find our way forward.   One step leads to another, and another, building momentum, and a beautiful sense of accomplishment. 

Acceptance, as opposed to resistance, is about fully acknowledging exactly where we are.  So often we spend far too much time resisting or denying our circumstances. This resistance just keeps us stuck, preventing us from taking the most beneficial steps to move forward. 

What I’m recommending here is to accept that a current situation feels uncomfortable, or painful.  To accept that perhaps we’ve made mistakes that have contributed to our situation.  Or perhaps that we’ve been betrayed in some way.  To get real about where we are, so that we can get clear about our next step forward.

This form of acceptance might not feel good, but it’s crucial.  It’s this acceptance that leads to deeper understanding of what we truly need in the moment to help us move forward.  Conversely, when we refuse to accept, or feel, what’s really going on, we risk falling down the self-sabotage rabbit hole.

When we’re not ready for them, the giant steps, the rigid schedule, the diet, the intense exercise routine, are rarely, if ever, sustainable. It’s the small, doable steps that get us closer to our goals.  We make these small steps by first understanding where we are, what we need, and what’s in our way.  Grounded in this understanding is truly the way forward.

Happy Moving Forward,

Marian

Contact me if you’d like to experience to power of EFT Tapping to help you move forward.

 

When Things Don’t Go as Planned

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On June 15 I was scheduled for my third aortic valve replacement.  I was born with a bicuspid valve, (two flaps instead of three) and had my first replacement at age 38.   This time, once again, I planned to get another biological valve. 

A quick background on valves: Biological tissue valves last for 10-15 years– mine lasted 9 and 13. In contrast, mechanical valves are designed to last a lifetime, but require the blood thinner Coumadin.  Coumadin is a vitamin K antagonist, and requires limited consumption of vitamin-K-rich-foods, especially leafy greens.  For me, good nutrition, including eating lots of leafy greens, has always felt like part of my identity. I couldn’t imagine giving it up. Avoiding Coumadin was paramount, and I truly saw the surgeries as worthwhile.

As soon as I knew it was time for a new valve,  I went into planning mode.  I planned the date of my surgery so that I would recover in time for my annual trip to The Omega Institute to help with  the EFT Professional Training.  I planned what I would bring to the hospital.  What I would tell my clients.  When I would start up my practice again. What I had to do before my surgery.  Which kindle books I would read in the hospital. The new pillow I would use to prop myself up in bed at home so I could rest more easily.

I planned well, and thoroughly.  Then, on the day of my surgery, nothing went as planned.

Long story short, the anesthesiologist mistakenly injured a couple of major arteries.  The valve surgery was halted.  I then underwent two surgeries, that same day, to correct the injury.

I didn’t plan for any of this.  No one did. But, there I was. I had no choice but to go through it, and then to prepare for yet another surgery.

In an instant, my summer plans had all dissolved into ‘not this summer’.

So I did the best that I could.  I meditated.  I lay on my acupressure mat.  I worked with a fabulous EFT practitioner who helped me release some of the trauma.  I asked for help, again and again.  I leaned on family and friends. I reconsidered my choice of aortic valves. And I listened deeply to my heart.

What I know is that on June 15,  I was incredibly close to the edge.  I truly didn’t know if I would make it.  The experience shook me to my core. Waking up in recovery, I knew that I had very difficult decisions to make about my upcoming valve replacement.

Fortunately, during the time between surgeries, I met with a brilliant doctor (recommended by a doctor I met in the hospital).  This doctor is an expert on cardiac valves.  In fact, she spoke at a valve conference the very week I met with her.  She suggested a recently developed mechanical valve, and explained why it would likely be the best fit for me.  She based her suggestion on my constitution, medical history, relatively young age, and personal needs and desires.  The valve she recommended requires less Coumadin, and is currently in clinical trials with a safer blood thinner.

Deep down I knew I couldn’t put my heart through yet another surgery in 10-15 years. So I changed my mind. I let go of  what I believed was a necessary part of my identity — the part that told me that a biological valve was the only choice for me.  Instead I listened to what my heart was telling me, and I chose the mechanical valve for my August surgery. 

I do take Coumadin now, but less than for other mechanical valves.  It’s been somewhat of a struggle to make the dietary shifts.  I now have to closely monitor my diet in order to keep my blood at the prescribed level of anti-coagulation. However, I’ve decided to make sure I have the best possible nutrition, even with the adjustments.

If all goes well with the clinical trials,  in one or two years, I will be able to switch to a safer blood thinner.  One that’s not a Vitamin K antagonist.  No matter what, this mechanical valve is designed to last me for the rest of my life. No more valve replacements.  And, as I get older, I know this to be a wise decision, especially for my heart.

It’s not what I planned for.  But I see that as painful as it was, my June disaster was a divine intervention.  Banging me on the head, telling me that it was time to let go of outdated beliefs that no longer served me.  Clearly showing me that I am getting older, and it’s time to honor where I am in my life.  It was because of the pain, that I was able open up enough to see clearly what I had not allowed myself to see before.  My heart is worth the effort, and discomfort.  And I can handle it, even if it’s not at all what I planned.

We can plan and prepare, all good and important, but it’s when we let go of our fixed outcomes, that we can realize how strong we truly are.

Sending Love,

Marian

Finding Flow

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When we’re in flow, we’re in the zone, that beautiful place of creative expression. It’s typically accompanied with ease, grace, and a lost sense of time.  Flow is place where new ideas sprout and grow.  It’s where we feel energized and engaged in creative pursuit.  In short, flow feels great.

Who doesn’t want flow?

But where do we find flow?  And how do we move into it when we’re reeling from the world around us?

The past year has been triggering, disruptive, distracting, overwhelming, and for some of us, downright traumatizing.  It has left so many of us feeling completely and utterly exhausted. It’s been easy, even necessary, to revert to old coping habits that allow us to escape, tune out, and numb down our feelings.  

And, it’s exceedingly hard to flow when we’re experiencing any of the above.

So, if this is where you find yourself, know that you have my compassion and deep understanding.  And, along with my compassion, I bring you some tips to find your flow again. Tips I use all the time to get back into my own flow.

Stay with your feelings —   Feelings, when embraced, will begin to dissipate, and feel more manageable.  This will allow you to stay in the moment, and it’s in the moment where we find flow.

Get your energy moving — Don’t wait for motivation.  Move your body on a daily basis.  Yoga, walks, workouts, dance.  Movement will break up stagnant energy, helping you move into flow.

Take one step ––  Get started.  Jumpstart momentum by doing one small thing at a time.  We strangle our flow by focusing only on the massive work we have to get done.  Focus instead on one thing at a time and you will get it done.  This helps you stay present, in the moment, and will increase feelings of accomplishment, and flow.

Let go of stagnating habits — Easier said than done, right? Yes, definitely, but here’s a way to start.

First, get clear about the habits which keep you stagnated. Notice which feelings trigger the desire to indulge in a habit.  Stay with these feelings. When you do indulge in your habit, notice what happens to your sense of flow.  No judgement here — just mindfulness.  Remember — limiting habits start as coping strategies.  The key is to stay with the feelings that we’re trying to avoid.  Again, staying with your feelings will them process and become more manageable.  This in itself will facilitate flow.

Acknowledge your shadows – Shadows are those disowned places within us.  These shadows are often activated more acutely during times of stress.   Learning to recognize them as they arise helps us form a new relationship with ourselves.  Click here for my video on working with your shadows.

Use energy work —  The goal of energy work is to help stuck energy move into a healthy flow. Recurring habits, reactions, and emotions signal that energy flow has been disrupted.  Practices such as EFT Tapping, Matrix Reimprinting, Acupuncture, along with other energy modalities, are effective for clearing disruptions to flow. 

Wishing you abundant flow,

Marian

For more information on using EFT Tapping to help let go of stagnation, and move into flow, click here.