Marian Buck Murray

Release, Relax, Tap into Your Brilliance. EFT Tapping to help you unleash your creative genius.

Let Go of Family Triggers So You Can Bring More Joy to Holiday Gatherings

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Family gatherings can be wonderful.  They can also trigger a host of uncomfortable feelings such as resentment, jealousy, anger, sadness, helplessness, etc.  No matter how old we are, or how many years have passed, it can sometimes feel as though we’re walking into a trance, where we  have no choice but to revert back to our old family roles.

Certainly, the healthier we are emotionally, the easier it is to navigate the family landscape.  We might even feel as though we’re ‘over’ whatever issues we faced in the past.  

But just in case any remnants of those old patterns and feelings get triggered, here are some tips to help your time with family feel easier, and more joyful.

Before You Go:

Try Ho’oponopono – Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian prayer that’s useful for forgiving old wounds. It can be used to clear resentments and negative feelings towards anyone, including family members.  To use Ho’oponopono, bring someone to mind, hold your hand over your heart, and repeat the words:  I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You, I Love You.  It doesn’t matter if you feel you were ‘wronged’ by this person.  By repeating this mantra, you will help yourself release negative feelings towards the person.

Send Love — There are a number of meditations which you can use to send love to your family members. You can use the heart breath meditation to create a field of heart energy which you imagine you are extending to family members.  Also effective is the Eco Meditation, created by Dawson Church.  In this meditation  you can imagine sending a beam of love and light to a family member.  To learn how to use the eco meditation, click here.

Use Creative Visualization – Use creative visualization before an event to imagine it going smoothly. Don’t be concerned with too many details.  Instead, imagine yourself feeling relaxed and happy.  Imagine peaceful conversations, and laughter.  This type of visualization will help you feel more relaxed about the event, and it will make it more likely that you will act in the way you desire, even if others don’t.

EFT Tapping – EFT Tapping is a wonderful tool to help reduce any anxiety you feel about a family event. In addition, EFT can be used to release specific feelings towards family members. For a video to learn how to use EFT Tapping click here.  For one-on-one guidance in EFT to assist you in navigating a family issues, contact me.

While You’re There

Focus on Beauty — Be truly present with your family, and your surroundings.  Show your heart-felt appreciation for any food, gifts, decorations, etc.  Take time to look at each family member and guest. Find something you admire, appreciate, love, like, or are willing to lovingly accept about each.

Don’t Engage with Drama — It’s easy to get triggered by family members, and it’s easy to react in an old, habitual way.  Remember that everyone, including your family members, has their own triggers.  Disengage with the need to react to someone else’s trigger, to avoid reverting to old reactive patterns.  Be mindful of these patterns.  When you feel triggered, or when someone else is triggered, notice the trigger, and allow the intensity of it to pass before responding.  This might mean stepping away for a moment, counting to ten, breathing deeply, or tapping.  Coming back to a place of inner peace will help you communicate in the kindest, most effective way. *See note below

Get Curious – It’s likely you usually feel most comfortable talking with certain family members over others. Step out of your comfort zone and reach out to those you tend to avoid.  Get curious about their lives.  Open your heart, and your ears, to listen to what they have to tell you.  Reach out to make the connection, instead of waiting for someone to do it first.

Honor your needs with self care. Finally, take care of yourself.  Family gatherings can be overwhelming.  Between the work, the anxiety, the emotions, the late hours, it’s easy to get overly saturated.  Especially if you’re a sensitive person.  Taking care of yourself might mean taking a walk outside, excusing yourself for a quick meditation, leaving early, or sitting quietly in a darkened room for a bit.  For extended gatherings, weave moments of self-care throughout. 

In Peace, Love, and Gratitude,

Marian

 

*For an abusive or volatile situation, emotional or physical, give yourself permission to decline the invitation, or leave early when necessary.  Seek help when needed.

 

Coming Back to Center

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Centering, it’s what we need more of right now.  The holiday season is full of distractions, pulling us here, pulling us there.  Top it off with a contentious election season, and the seemingly non-stop series of tumultuous events —  it can feel nearly impossible to stay centered, calm, and relaxed.

Getting pushed off center is like losing our power connection.  Every time we get pulled away, thinking thoughts of how things should or shouldn’t be, we lose power.

Our minds sometimes have us convinced that we need to be worried, concerned, or somehow attentive to all that’s going on. The emails, the tasks, the phone calls, the news, the problems, all grabbing at our attention.  If we’re not careful, these distractions will continually force us off center.

Problem is, when we’re off center, we’re out of sync with our intuition, and our connection to all that is.  We may think we’re doing something important by worrying, or obsessing, but if we’re pulled out of the present moment, we’re off center.  When we’re off center, we’re weakened, and we limit our access to fresh ideas, solutions, and insights.

Getting back to center means letting go of distracting thoughts and concerns, so we can settle into our intuitive, powerful strength.  It means dropping from a busy beta brain wave state, into a slower, more relaxing alpha brain wave state.  This alpha brain wave state is where we find access to new insights, intuition, and deeper connection with the universal field. This alpha state is what helps our brains work more effectively, allowing us to function more powerfully.

Here’s how to get back to center

Meditate.  I know. I talk about meditation all the time.  I talk about it because it truly is that powerful.  Sitting quietly for even 5-10 minutes in the morning, and/or at different times throughout the day, does wonders to center the mind.  Don’t worry if you can’t ‘get rid’ of distracting thoughts. Allowing yourself to observe the distracting thoughts, as opposed to engaging with them, will help you come back to center.  As you get more practiced with meditation, it will help you deepen your sense of inner peace and connection.

Use the Heart Breath.  The heart breath is a very powerful way to drop out of a busy mind, into the peace and calm of your heart. The heart’s electromagnetic field is far more powerful than that of the brain.  By breathing slowly and deeply, while imagining that you’re breathing through your heart, you will help yourself become centered in your body.  This heart breath will increase the power of your heart’s electromagnetic field. This expanded heart field will entrain your brain, bringing it from the beta brain wave state, to a more relaxed alpha or deeper.  For a video to learn more about the Heart Breath, click here.

Use Insight Timer — Insight timer is one of my absolute favorite apps.  It’s free, and it offers thousands of free meditations. Find the meditations, music, and sounds that work best for you.  Check out the binaural beats, which will work with your brain to help it come to a more relaxed, centered place.

Take a Magnesium Salt Bath — Step out of the fray, into the soothing comfort of a nice, hot, bath.  Magnesium will help you relax.  Water will help you feel more centered.

Take a Walk in Nature — Being fully present in Nature, without the distraction of phones and computers, is one of the best ways to come back to center.  Help yourself stay centered by doing a walking meditation, observing and expressing gratitude for Nature’s gifts along your way.

Practice Yoga — Yoga will help you feel more aligned, grounded, and centered.

Use EFT Tapping — Tapping is one of the most effective ways to bring yourself back to center.  Just by tapping on your karate chop, you begin to bring yourself back into your body.  By continuing with the points, you help reduce the cortisol that keeps you on edge. Often, you don’t even need to use words while tapping.  You can simply tap through the points, breathing deeply, and allow yourself to come back to center.  Click here for more info.

Come back to your center, it’s where you’ll find your beautiful Self.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

 

Wavering In Faith

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Faith. What does it mean to have faith?  To be faithful?  To stand strong in faith? To have unwavering faith?

Truthfully, so much of the time, I find myself wavering.

I ask myself, faith in what?  Faith in a higher power? Faith in family and friends to show up when I need them? Faith in myself? Faith that everything will turn out all right?

Looking inward, I see different strands of faith stretching into many places.  Some quite desirable, others not so pleasant.  I see places where building my faith will assist my growth.  Some, such as faith in my weaknesses, my errors, my mind’s inner critic, only serve to diminish me.

So, I ponder, where do I want to grow my faith. What is it that I truly value? How do I build my faith to expand my values? And where do I need to let go?

Listening to my heart, my list of values begins to form. My family, of course.  My friends and community. My body and my health. The food that I eat. The air, the earth, the sun, the moon, and all of nature. The creative process. The healing spirit within me.  My soul’s expression. The universe in all its infinite power.  Peace. Love.

As I look at my growing list, I see my yearning for the expansion of my spirit, and alignment with my soul.  I see my continual asking.  And I realize, that when I ask without giving, without showing up, I limit my ability to receive, wavering my faith.

It’s in the places my heart so values, where I am called to show up. Where I am called to build my faith.  When I neglect to show up, I neglect my heart’s values.  That’s when faith in myself, Spirit, and all that I value, begins to waver.  And, that’s also my cue to show up — perhaps in a way I haven’t before.

Showing up, even as I waver, is what helps me build my faith. It’s my continual practice of meditation that helps me build faith in both my intuition, and something larger than myself.  Showing up to this page, even as my mind wavers, builds my faith in the ever-presence of creative process.  And, as I continue to heal old wounds, I renew my faith in the power of love, and in the healing spirit within me.

Faith, I realize, needs to be cultivated. And sometimes, where our faith brings us to harm, it needs to be dismantled.  

Faith is how I show up in life. I get to choose where to build my faith, based on the wisdom of my heart. When I show up to do my part, with grateful heart and deep appreciation, the universe shows up for me. Guiding me, teaching me, showing me the way. It’s in this place that my faith finds its ground.

In Love and Courage,

Marian

Dancing with My Pain Monster

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Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body.  Painful memories and emotions trapped within us, directing aspects of our lives.  The bigger the pain body, the bigger the effect on our lives. 

I like to call it the pain monster.  Yes, it sounds scarier, but for me, it also sounds more personable, in a monster-like way.  And certainly, when pain takes control of our thoughts, mood, and actions, it can feel quite monstrous.

And, it’s at that very moment, when things feel their darkest, when there’s no apparent light in sight, that it’s time to invite the monster to dance.

But monsters are scary, you might say.  And I agree, they are. They’re scary because they’re hiding.  They’re scary because they’re in the dark.  They’re scary because we can’t always predict what they’ll do. Scary because they embarrass us, shame us, and make us feel so bad.  And sometimes, they just won’t leave us alone.

The pain monster wants attention, pure, and simple.  Attention, and understanding. 

Recently, I was having a particularly hard time feeling calm and relaxed. My usual tools weren’t doing the trick. I was feeling quite unable to shift my emotional state, no matter what I tried.

So, I surrendered my struggle.  I sat down to meditate.  And, this time, I truly sat down with my pain.  It’s not that I never sit with my pain, but sometimes there’s an undercurrent of wanting it to change. In other words, judgment.  Though I think of myself as being rather non-judgmental, I, like most sensitive people, have a hard time completely letting go of my own self-judgement.

What happened in this meditation brought me to tears.  My pain transformed into a monster,  who wanted my love and attention.  And he wasn’t going anywhere until I gave him what he wanted.  (not quite sure why he was a he, but he was.)

So, I invited him to dance.  I visualized reaching out my hands to hold his.  As he came towards me I saw that he was heavy, bloated, grey, disheveled, and very hunched.  His hands were rough, not used to being held.

I drew him closer to me, so that I could look into his eyes.  I saw, and felt, his sadness.  He looked lonely, and dejected. His enormous heart was heavy and drooping.

I asked him, “What do you want to tell me?”

He replied:  “I want you to see that I’ve being doing this for you.  I’ve been holding on to your pain.  Carrying it for you.  Hiding it for you.  You don’t want me around, but I’m doing it all for you.  And it’s getting too heavy!”

In that moment, I got it. This monster within me, has been here for decades.  And though I have cleared out so much pain and trauma over the decades, there was obviously more.  Pain, previously hidden, was being dredged up by my exposure to the Supreme Court Nomination testimonies and its aftermath. 

All I wanted was to feel better. But in that wanting to feel better, I was judging my pain, trying to get rid of it.  Dismissing it, when all it needed was my unconditional love. 

As I lovingly danced with my pain monster, he began to lighten up.  He stood straighter, allowing his heart to open and release.  He shed his frumpy clothing, revealing a brilliantly colored costume underneath.  He looked younger, happier, more energetic. He was ready for a new role, ready to help me in new ways.

And I promised him that day, to love him unconditionally.  To love my pain unconditionally.  To sit with it when all I want is to run the other way.  To truly see it, honor it, and in that space, give it permission to release.

Anything that is not love will serve to feed the pain monster.  Love is what helps heal the monster’s wounds.  Love is what helped me heal from decades of illness.  When we stay with our pain, with love unconditional, we can truly move forward in new, amazing ways.

Love,

Marian

Need help learning how to dance with your pain monster?  Contact me.

Overcome Social Anxiety– Tips to Make it So Much Easier!

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Frequently my clients will talk about feeling anxious when meeting new people, or  participating in social situations.  I understand their anxiety.  And though I still deal with it, I have created ways to overcome it, so I can step into new situations with ease.

Social anxiety can be more acute for sensitive, empathic people. Consistently being attuned to how others are feeling can create a sense of overwhelm and discomfort.  In addition, sensitive people are more apt to worry about what other people think of them. This can easily trigger an ongoing mind-loop of anxious thoughts, which of course will make socializing even more difficult.

The key to overcoming social anxiety, is somewhat paradoxical.  The key is to both detach from what others are thinking, and at the same time, listen completely to what they are saying. 

We can’t ever truly know what a person is thinking.  However, when we listen carefully, we can understand deeply.  And people love to be understood.

Here are the steps which help me overcome my own anxiety:

Positive visualization.  Before the event, I sit down and visualize things going smoothly.  This is an important step, because we’re so often visualizing that things will go poorly. In my visualization I don’t get very detailed.  Instead, I visualize the scene filled with peace, laughter, and joy. I visualize, and sense, how I’d like to feel when I’m there.  This technique is amazingly helpful. It’s gotten me though interviews, corporate talks, workshops I’m hosting, holiday parties, and more.

EFT Tapping. Again, before the event, I do a few rounds of EFT Tapping.  I tune into any anxiety I might be feeling, and I tap.  This helps reduce cortisol, the major stress hormone.  Sometimes only 5 minutes of tapping will do the trick.  For more anxiety-provoking situations I might work on it longer, or get help from another practitioner.

Deep Breathing. Once you get to your event, remember to breathe deeply.  Check in with yourself to make sure you are breathing.  Shallow breathing, up high in your chest, will trigger a sense of stress. Deep breathing, from down in your belly, turns on the relaxation response.

Listen Deeply. When talking with someone at the event, someone you know, or someone you don’t, remember to listen deeply to what they are saying. Most people truly like to talk about themselves. And everyone loves to be heard and understood.  So, rather than stressing about what you should say, relax, and listen.  Drop out of your head, and allow yourself to tap into your intuitive flow.  Ask questions to learn more about the person you’re with.  This will help form a connection, and create an easier flow of communication.

Find Your People. Now, it’s definitely important to step out of your comfort zone to meet new people.  However, if you feel overwhelmed by social anxiety at first, it’s okay to start by spending time with just a few people, or even one person, with whom you feel comfortable.  The goal here, is not to use these people as a crutch, but rather to use deep listening, and question-asking, to help you build your confidence.  Get yourself going, and then step out to meet someone new.

Plan Your Exit – Often times it’s okay to leave early. It’s also okay to excuse yourself for a moment to go outside to get some air. Social events can be over-stimulating for anyone, especially a sensitive person. So, when appropriate, and if needed, plan an early exit. Bring your own car, or agree ahead of time on an exit time with whomever is driving. Just knowing you can leave early will help you relax and enjoy yourself.  And, if you’re truly okay, you might even want to stay longer than you planned.

By following these steps, you will help make socializing will feel easier and easier.  You’ll make a deeper connection with more people, and therefore feel comfortable around more people. You might even begin to crave social events.  I do, even though I still get anxious sometimes.

Need help calming your own social anxiety?  Contact me.

In Courage,

Marian