Marian Buck Murray

EFT and Matrix Reimprinting for Sensitive, Empathic, Creative People. Step out of the shadows and share your gifts and talents.

Don’t Be Afraid of Your Shadow

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Many of us spend a lot of time avoiding our shadows.   Those places we don’t want to talk about.  Those places we don’t want anyone to see.  Those places that sometimes get so triggered.  It’s easy to be scared of these places.  They’re distressing, and they hold all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. 

But, what if, at the same time we’re scared of our shadows, our shadows are scared of us?

Think about it.   Think about all the judgement and criticism we throw at our shadows.  Banishing them into exile, under lock and key.  Demeaning them, belittling them, refusing to accept them. 

How would you feel if you were treated that way?

Imagine instead, that your shadow, or shadows, are eager for your attention.  Just like a child who yearns for parental love and acceptance.  The more you push them away, the more they act up, or the more they shy away.  They show up in our lives in a variety of ways — from unhealthy habits, and relationship problems to issues with career, happiness, success, and more.

A shadow, simply, is a part of ourselves which we  avoid or push away.  It can be anything from a hidden gift or talent, to a painful memory, tucked away into the subconscious mind.   Because they live in the subconscious mind, shadows hold enormous power in our lives.  Even when we’re not aware of them. Experts have reported that our subconscious mind is responsible for more than 90% of what we say, think and act. 

Learning about our shadows is paramount.   And, we can’t learn about them if we’re busy avoiding them.  When we approach our shadows with compassion and curiosity, we’re able to discover the origins of our limiting patterns, so we can begin to unravel them.

Our shadows hold potent information, waiting for us to tap in.  Tapping in helps us soften the pain that keeps us stuck.  Embracing them allows us to harness long-lost gifts, talents, and power.

If you’re scared of looking into your shadows, it’s completely understandable.  It’s important to feel safe when you do any type of shadow work.  Because shadows live in the dark, it’s helpful, and sometimes necessary, to do shadow work with a healing professional.

Below I offer a few suggestions on reducing fear around shadow work.   

    • Imagine your shadow is actually a younger you.  As much as you can, summon compassion for this younger you.  When you see your shadow this way, it can feel a lot less frightening.
    • Understand that your shadow is simply a part of you that has been pushed away for some reason. So often it’s not the shadow that’s scary.  It’s typically the feelings of judgement surrounding the shadow that feel scary.  Ask for assistance from a healing professional if you need help navigating your feelings.
    • Open up a conversation with your shadow. Get curious.  Ask questions.  For more information on how to talk to your shadow click here.  For a video, click here.
    • Use EFT Tapping to reduce fear surrounding shadow exploration. No need to start with the shadow itself.  Simply notice any fear you feel about exploring your shadow, and tap through the EFT acupressure points.  For more information about tapping, click here.  Again, reach out for help  if you need it.

May your shadows illuminate your way forward.

Peace,

Marian

To learn more about shadow work, and how it can help you transform your life, contact me.

Call Back Your Energy

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Many of my clients talk about feeling fatigued and overwhelmed by all that is happening with the people in their lives and in the world.  It definitely makes a lot of sense.  And, it’s certainly important to do what we can for those in need — our world needs more of it.  However, when boundaries are loose, or non-existent, empathy and compassion for others can easily morph into a belief of being responsible for their well-being.

 I am not suggesting we ignore the well-being of others.  Rather, I am suggesting that the belief that we’re responsible for another’s well-being is what contributes to fatigue and overwhelm.  This belief pushes us to over-give, overextend, micromanage, self-censor, worry, and more.  It can easily leave us feeling completely drained.  When we’re completely drained, it’s impossible, to participate in our lives at our highest potential.

It takes a great deal of energy to take responsibility for another person.  It takes more even more energy to worry about that person.  Add to that the worry for people and creatures around the world, and energy depletion is guaranteed.

I understand, that for many of us, especially sensitive people, it usually doesn’t feel like a choice.  It can feel as though if we don’t take responsibility, no one will. Most often, there are life circumstances which have led to these conclusions.  Because it’s a repetitive pattern, it feels natural, no matter how uncomfortable.  In fact, it typically feels like the ‘right’ or most compassionate thing to do.   

So how do we stay compassionate and caring, without depleting energy? How do we take a step back to spend more time tending to our own needs?   It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely possible.  And the rewards are truly worth it.

Here are some of the mindset shifts and tools that are working for me, and for my clients:

Let Go of Feeling Responsible  — We need to always remember that each person is ultimately responsible for their own well-being.  It can be a tricky dance, but the more we’re able to let go of feeling responsible for another’s well-being, the better.  

It’s a balance that we need to find.  There’s nothing wrong with giving, and helping, and extending ourselves — but letting go of feeling responsible is necessary.  When we feel less burdened by responsibility, we’re able to come from a more genuine, loving place.  This enables us to be truly compassionate, rather than overburdened or resentful.

Certainly, there are those for whom we need to take some or more responsibility, including young children, disabled loved ones, and elderly loved ones.  But even here, there are limits.  Allowing for another’s independence, inner-wisdom, and true nature is paramount.  

Stop Trying to Control What You Cannot Control  — No matter how distressing, we can’t control what happens in the world.  We can’t control what people believe, or how they react or feel.  The same is true for much of what happens with our families, and friends.  Sometimes, we can’t even control what happens to us.  By wanting, imagining, or exerting control over what’s impossible to control, we deplete essential energy.  It’s when we let go of trying to control that we reclaim this energy.  When we reclaim our energy, it’s much easier to manage our responses to our current circumstances. 

When Triggered, Pause and Look Within — When you find yourself triggered, or are afraid of triggering another, it’s time to pause and look within.  Ask yourself what you are trying to stop from happening.  What are you trying to make happen?  What emotions or reactions are you trying to avoid, either in yourself or another?  

Pausing to check in with yourself will help you bring your energy back. This in itself will help de-escalate the trigger.  By checking in, you can focus on your emotions and needs.  This will enable you to do what’s necessary for your own well-being.  This might mean taking a break, doing a meditation, journaling, or reaching out to a healing professional.  All of this will help you call back your energy.

Spend Time Alone – Spend time alone, whether it’s a 15 minute break, a soothing bath,  or a walk in nature.  This will help you let go of external influences, and regroup your energy.

Meditate —  The more you’re able to meditate, the more you will realize that there’s a whole world within, beyond the noise outside.  Maintaining a consistent meditation practice will help you reduce stress, and focus your attention on what’s important to you.  Meditation is a perfect way to call back your energy.

Tap —  EFT Tapping will help you calm your nervous system, and release emotions that keep you on edge.  By physically tapping on acupressure points, you automatically begin to focus your energy back to your body and mind. EFT can also assist you in resolving issues that keep you stuck in energy-depleting patterns.  Click here to learn more about EFT Tapping. 

Practice the Heart Breath — The Heart Breath is a beautiful way to drop out of a worried, distracted, mind, into the power of your heart.  This breath can be incredibly relaxing, and energizing.   An overactive, worried mind depletes an enormous amount of energy. By using the heart breath, you can call back your energy, and harness the power of your heart.  To learn how to use the heart breath, contact me.  To access my Heart Breath Audio Meditation, find me on Insight Timer, or enter your email in the Heart Breath box to the right of this post.

Here’s to more energy!

Peace,

Marian

To experience the power of EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to call back your energy, contact me.

 

A Little Bit Better

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Just a little bit better.  What if that’s all it takes to eventually feel a lot better.  It’s something I’ve been playing with during my recovery from heart surgery last summer.  It’s been a long recovery, not quite sure why.  Perhaps because I’m getting older.  Perhaps because I have more to learn about loving myself unconditionally.  Perhaps because of a number of bumps along the way.  Perhaps all of the above and more.

It’s been rough.  Rough physically, but rougher still because I’ve struggled with beliefs about what healing truly means.  This was my third aortic valve replacement.  I was used to bouncing back quickly.  I was used to feeling incredibly healthy, despite health concerns.  So, I assumed this recovery would be quick.  When I realized it would be anything but quick, I grappled with a slew of negative, disheartening thoughts.  This, again, was not something I was used to.

What I’ve learned, is that the miracle of healing is sometimes so subtle it can be hard to notice.  As the days turned into weeks and months, I found I was very disappointed with my progress.  I dismissed small progress because it was not the full-on recovery I was seeking. This disappointment, and lack of gratitude,  led me down the  ‘nothing’s working, I’ll never feel better’ rabbit hole.

It was when I  decided I just couldn’t stand it any more that I began to hear: “just a little bit better”.  I heard it on podcast, in a workshop, from a healer, during my own meditations.  I asked myself if I could simply focus on feeling just a little bit better. What if that could be my daily goal.   Surely I could do that. 

And to the best of my ability, that’s what I’ve done since.  I’ve acknowledged subtle progress, and expressed gratitude for feeling a little bit better.  Right away I noticed that by taking my attention off what was going ‘wrong’, I began to see what was going right.  I opened up to more and more gratitude for the blessings I did have. 

In addition, I used a number of self-help techniques to help me relax and boost my mood.  I also reached out to a gifted EFT Practitioner for help in releasing thoughts and feelings that were not serving me.  Before long, I realized a number of my symptoms had improved —  I was feeling a lot better.

Now I’m not saying that this is what helped heal my symptoms.  Could be that it did, or maybe not.  And, I’m not completely out of the woods yet either.  The point here is that this practice helps me feel a lot better emotionally.  Feeling better emotionally helps me stretch into more joyful activity. Feeling better also helps me appreciate the numerous gifts within some of my darkest moments.

Here are some of the tools I used to help myself feel a little bit better:

A Walk in Nature – Fresh air does wonders to lift the spirit.  Sunshine brings vitamin D, a mood booster.  Nature’s beauty is a feast for grateful eyes.

Acupressure Mat – Lying on an acupressure mat helps reduce cortisol, and relax the nervous system, body and mind.  A perfect time to listen to a soothing audio.

An Uplifting Podcast – An upbeat, uplifting podcast, or radio show, or youtube video, can be a wonderful way to shift to a better feeling perspective.

Do Something Nice for Someone —  Contributing so someone else’s happiness is an effective way to boost feelings of connectedness and belonging.

Express Gratitude for Anything – Feeling grateful, truly grateful, for anything, is a good way to shift out of a negative head space. 

EFT Tapping – Sometimes we need to go deeper to help release distressing feelings and thoughts.  EFT tapping is a fast, effective tool.  Because EFT Tapping helps to reduce cortisol, it can also help release physical pain.  It can be used as both a self-help tool, and with a certified practitioner.

Meditation —  Silent or guided meditation can be very helpful for clearing the mind, and calming the nervous system.   It’s also a great tool for tapping into your intuition for guidance around your current issues.

More Self Help Tools—  Magnesium baths to detoxify and relax.  750 Words to encourage and uplift.  Nutrient-dense foods, herbal teas, lemon water, etc. to hydrate and nourish.

Reach Out To a Healing Professional — Self-help techniques are wonderful and effective.  Yet, there are times when a healing professional can help us face what might be too difficult to face alone. Reach out to someone you trust.

May you enjoy an abundance of well-being.

Peace,

Marian

Contact me to learn more about using EFT Tapping to feel better.

Shadow Talk

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I’m all about befriending our shadows.  It’s part of my self-care practice and a big part of my work with clients.  And, as a person who used to be terrified of my own shadows, I am so thankful I’ve learned how to make friends.  It’s helped me feel so much lighter, happier, and free to truly be myself.  What’s more, it has helped me unravel old, stuck, sabotaging patterns which have interfered with my success.

One practice I do on a regular basis is talk with my shadows.  I find that when I get to know them on a deeper level, I discover the clues to a specific challenge I might be experiencing.  For example, a shadow of my Unmotivated Teen might come up when I think about doing the work in front of me.   This shadow might urge me to zone out and avoid my work.  Obviously it’s hard to get my best work done when there’s a shadow urging me to avoid it.  So, rather than shunning this shadow, I take the time to learn more about it, and everything changes.

Here’s how to strike up a conversation with your own shadows:

When you notice a limiting pattern coming up for you, perhaps a self-sabotaging pattern, pause.  Notice the emotions you’re feeling.  Notice what you are being urged to do or not do. Notice how young you feel.  As best you can, form a picture in your mind of a character (human or other) which represents this limiting pattern.

Approach this character as if it’s a shadow within you.  You might want to give it a name. Do your best to cultivate a sense of curiosity, with the intent to be accepting and non-judgemental. 

Here are some sample questions you might want to ask.  For each question, pause, listen, and tune in to the answers that come up.

  • Can you tell me more about why you’re here right now?
  • What’s going on for you, what are you feeling?
  • Is there something you’d like me to understand about you?
  • What would help you feel better?
  • What do you need?
  • Is there anything else you want to tell me?se

You can take this conversation deeper by using a journal to dialogue with your shadow.  Create back and forth journal entries between you and your shadow.  Ask questions, stay curious, invite your shadow to answer the questions. 

No matter how you do it, the practice of conversing with your shadows is powerful.   It encourages self-forgiveness, and resolution of inner conflict.  It makes it easy to bring compassion and understanding to the shadowy, dark places within.  It’s informative and transformative.  It’s something, once you get going, that you’ll likely want to come back to, again and again. 

Peace,

Marian

NOTE:  If you’re dealing with trauma, or feel that your pain is unbearable, reach out to a professional who can assist you with this practice.  Contact me to learn more about using EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to work with your shadows.

What Your Inner Saboteur Really Wants

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Sabotage is tricky.  It’s seductive.  It can trap us, making us feel like we have no way out.  Often it feels shameful, so we hide it from others.  It disrupts our lives, our plans, our happiness.  And yet, sometimes it feels so safe, so incredibly comfortable, that we give in without a fight.

This sense of safe comfort is why we keep going back for more.  The pull is sometimes too strong to resist.  Afterwards, we beat ourselves up for doing it again.  Or perhaps we’ve become so numb we no longer notice the impact sabotage is making in our lives.

Based on my personal and professional experience, I’ve come to understand self-sabotage as a form of protection.  It aims to protect us from rejection, failure, judgement, pain, grief, and more.  Most often it stems from childhood, or young adulthood, when we needed coping skills to handle painful circumstances.  

To heal these sabotaging coping strategies, we need to proceed with love, compassion and understanding.  In fact, love, compassion and understanding are crucial for transformation. It’s exactly what our younger selves needed during painful experiences.  Additionally, it’s especially crucial for our adult selves, as we dive into the work of healing. 

Sabotaging behavior can be traced back to earlier painful experiences.  For example, a young child, eager to show off his singing voice, might be hushed  or teased by family members.  This experience, especially if repeated, could lead to beliefs that it’s not safe to sing in front of people, or that he isn’t important, or good enough.  A natural response to this would be to protect himself from further pain by sabotaging, or squashing, his desire to sing.  He might use tactics such as playing small, busying himself with work,  or refusing to participate in musical endeavors.

Other examples include:

A child who experiences the pain of neglectful parents, might believe that no one shows up for her, or that she’s unlovable.  Later in life, she might attempt to protect herself from further rejection.  For example, she might avoid  or even sabotage social situations, neglect self care , or adopt some form of addictive behavior.

A child who grows up with a highly critical parent will likely develop a hefty critical voice, and tend towards perfectionism, procrastination, and dependence on others for validation.  All to protect against the pain of criticism. 

A traumatic event can feel overwhelming for all of us, especially children.  Common feelings resulting from trauma include shame, helplessness, and grief.  When not processed, these often unbearable feelings can lead to substance abuse, self-neglect, and other risky behaviors.  As harmful as these behaviors are, they’re a form of protection against difficult feelings.  It’s important to reach out for help to safely process these feelings.

It’s clear that all of these situations call for love, understanding, and healing.  Action and discipline are certainly necessary to create new behavior patterns.  The real work, however, is giving ourselves the help we needed in the first place.  Without healing, action and discipline will have far less impact.  

Suggestions for going deeper:

  • Journal to dialog with your younger self to get to know her and what she needs.
  • Write a compassionate, loving letter to your younger self.
  • Join a support group for your particular form of self-sabotage.
  • Reach out for help. Contact a Mental Health Professional.  EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting are effective tools for releasing the painful emotions that can lead to sabotage.  Contact me if you’d like to learn more.

Sabotage can show up in a variety of behaviors.  You’ll know it’s sabotage if it consistently gets in the way of your success and happiness.  It can hide itself in seemingly positive behaviors such busy work, care-giving, and perfectionism. Or show up as risky behaviors, procrastination, self-neglect, and more.   No matter how it shows up for you, your inner saboteur is asking you to look deeply within.  It’s reaching out for love and compassion, and, most of all, healing.   

Take compassionate care of yourself,

Marian